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Blue Christmas

12/15/2014

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Picture
Red and green fill the landscape.
Holiday songs fill the air.
Scent of pine and pie fill our noses.
Brisk cold air fills our lungs.        
Good food fills our tummies.
Good thoughts and emotions fill our minds.



For many of us, this is the experience the holiday season brings, fullness and gratefulness.  Others of us, however, cannot boast of such experiences.  For some, the sights, sounds, smells, thoughts, emotions, and sensations of the holiday season bring with them a sense of emptiness, dread and even unrelenting pain. 


In 2011, I had the honor of being asked by Pastor Julie Pennington-Russell to deliver the prayer during the Blue Christmas service at the First Baptist Church of Decatur in Decatur, Georgia.  Below you will find the prayer that was placed on my heart to deliver. Please share it with those who may benefit or recite it for those who cannot recite it for themselves—­     


God, we come to you this evening from so many different places: wholeness, brokenness, fullness, and emptiness.  We ask Lord, that you open and fill our hearts and minds in this moment so that we may feel Your presence, hear Your voice, sense Your will, and heed Your guidance.   

In many hearts within these walls and beyond, there is goodness and abundance; there is also so much pain… so much suffering.  It is from and for those hearts that we come to You on this evening, God.

Where there is Depression, grief, and confusion we ask for peace, clarity and support from those able to offer friendship, words of comfort or simply a silent presence.

Where there is Addiction, poverty, and illness we ask for healing of our bodies, minds and spirits; we ask for help in all possible forms, and hope that will grant us the motivation to live another day even when the alternative seems so seductive.

Where there is Fear, separation, and hopelessness we ask for the strength to turn to You, God, in our darkest hours.  Endow us with a sacred trust in Your unconditional love for us, even when….no, especially when we cannot sense Your love on our own.

Where there is Self-hate, suffering, and shame we ask that You help us to see ourselves, our lives and each other as You see us. Help us, God to become fully aware of our sacred worth as treasures in these earthen vessels.  Help us to withstand the negative messages and jabs from those who, because of their own pain, seek to define us as worth-less. 

And finally, God, during this holiday season, we ask that where there is Contention, strife, and anger within families, and among friends that you bring them together so that they dine on seats of humility, drink from cups full of compassion, and eat from plates packed with understanding.

Now God, we will take a moment to fall silent and ask that you hear those prayers which are too deep for words…

We thank You God for the chance to be with each other on this day. We thank You for Your continued presence in our lives and our hearts; we thank You for each and every day that You gift us with; and we thank You for all that we may take for granted.

Guide and protect us, care for and direct us, now and forever.  Amen.



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Divine Conversations on Forgiveness

12/2/2014

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My journey to forgiveness has been long and at times, laborious.  Recently, I felt a shift involving two situations: 

  1. A person I care about makes what I perceive to be indirect, hurtful, angry comments from their public position of power.  I have shared my concerns with them to no avail. 
  2. Years ago, Patrick and I were in a situation where a company lied to us in an attempt to take our money.
  
The following “conversations” emerged within me after I woke from a dream regarding the first situation.  I quickly realized that I still harbored unforgiveness towards both situations. The following is a transcription of those “conversations.”

Conversation on “Person in Power”

Me: His intention is to shame me or whoever he feels anger towards.  This is okay?

Spirit: You are impacted by his words because you hold shame that existed before you encountered him.  Deal with your shame and his intention will not matter. Only God truly knows what is in a person’s heart and how it got there.  Maybe his intention is to vent his anger, transform his audience or hide personal fear.  Maybe as a child he learned it was safest to express his emotions indirectly.  From your perspective the bounds of “maybe’s” are endless and when you attempt to discern a person’s heart through your pain, you tell a narrow story of judgment often fueled by anger, bitterness, and fear.  

But let’s say you’re right and he intends to shame; for your purposes it does not matter. His intention is ultimately about him and his path (as is your intention about you and yours).  What matters is your primary emotion, your shame. Deal with that and notice that the intention of another only matters in so far as it gets you in touch with the pain that you have buried but need and want so desperately to heal.

Conversation on “Company of Liars and Thieves”

Me: But what about those who do seek to manipulate? Those specifically trained to take power away from others by backing them into corners and taking what is not theirs?

Spirit: Understand that is still a story you have developed for yourself.  But even if that is the case--  

In those situations, more than ever, you must remember that it is not personal, it is not about you. A corporation that seeks to manipulate is designed and led by those who feel it necessary to manipulate to survive or get what they want.  They do not understand the law of divine abundance.  They act from fear and pain.

In those moments, when you feel stuck and cannot get past the “intentional” manipulation, this is where grace enters. Gratefulness and grace.  

Conversation on Power and Grace

Spirit: How did you feel in the “Company of Liars and Thieves” situation?

Me: Powerless and helpless.

Spirit: Was this true? Were you truly powerless and helpless, or is this how you felt?

Me: I felt powerless.

Spirit: In what ways did you have power? Help?

Me: Patrick was with me. I was able to stand my ground, and I ultimately got my money back. 

Spirit: So is there anything for which you can be grateful?

Me: Yes! I ultimately got what I wanted, but it was such a hurtful process. I didn’t see it coming like I should have.

Spirit: Ahhhh, and this is where the need for grace enters.  How do you feel towards yourself? What feelings do you hold against yourself?

Me: Stupid, stupid, stupid…should’ve seen it coming!

Spirit: Attempt to grant yourself grace; the grace available
to you, allow it to flow through you. Trust that you did the best you could in the moment with the knowledge you had at that time. No one chooses to feel helpless or be manipulated in ways that they later regret. Regret is a hindsight emotion and thus it lacks grace. It assumes you could have/should have known thoughts, emotions, beliefs, intentions and motivations that you clearly lacked access to for whatever reason. Regret is what forms when you attempt to learn life’s lessons not with grace but with judgment.  You are Loved, not judged. God’s grace abounds for and within you.

My Carousel of Judgment

I see how my lack of self-forgiveness was the impetus of my unforgiveness towards others.   Shame and self-criticism fueled my judgments towards the “Person in Power” and “Company of Liars and Thieves.”  I judged myself for not learning, seeing, or knowing and then attempted to protect myself from the pain of my regret by heaping hot coals of anger on their heads.  Unfortunately, this immediate attempt to soothe my pain through judgment rather than healing, placed me in a habitual spin of secondary emotions-- anger, bitterness, and resentment.

How do I get off this thing?!

When we hold unforgiveness, we willingly hop on the Carousel of Judgment, give the emotional and/or physical controls to those we judge, and consider ourselves powerless.  To take back our power we can take small steps:

  • Without judgment, we can focus on and heal our primary emotions (e.g. hurt, fear, shame).
  • We can allow ourselves to recognize the grace available to us. We did what we could with what we had in the moment. 
  • I once read, “Hindsight is ‘what was I thinking?' and Kindsight is ‘what was I learning?’”  When stuck, we can find those nuggets of gratefulness, practice Kindsight, and thank God for the lessons.   
  • Always remember: Forgiveness is not about letting go of what happened to us. It’s about healing what’s happening within us.

    Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014. All rights reserved.

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    Intention

    My intention in writing this blog is to inspire you to fully embrace your youryydivine worth; fearlessly live your yosoul's purpose; and faithfully encourage others to do the same.

    I truly hope you enjoy your time here!

    Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved.

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