Painful experiences can be tools which help us uncover seeds of truth and transformation that may have otherwise remained buried. Like the Yellowstone fire, my most difficult experiences held seeds containing wisdom, power, and guidance essential for my growth and transformation. While in college, I was in an unhealthy relationship that did not honor my truths and was out of alignment with my Divine Self. The devastating fires of that relationship left me lamenting over and gripping the ashes that represented my charred sense of self. Unfortunately, my grip on the ashes disabled their ability to settle and evolve into the soil that my transformative seeds needed for nourishment. As a result, my mourning process endured for the better part of a decade.
As long as I viewed the ashes as remnants of death, the soil which nourishes life, continuously eluded me. Only through Spirit-led lessons on Self-awareness, Acceptance, Witnessing, and Accessing my Divine transformative power was I set on the path to healing. This power and difficult healing process ultimately enabled me to remember the existence of the Self I had forgotten. In this blog, I discuss the first of four lessons I learned:
Lesson 1: Self-Awareness
Prior to the 1988 fire, nature attempted to run its course through small wildfires; however, our lack of awareness regarding forest growth processes minimized our understanding of the Lodgepole’s truth— It needs the power of fire to rejuvenate.
I find that my lack of self-awareness minimizes my truth. This was the case once I ended the difficult relationship; I buried any awareness that something was wrong: “I am NOT hurt…I am NOT wounded…I am NOT broken…I am FINE!” My body, mind and spirit, told very different truths, however; truths buried deep within:
In my body I felt achy joints, headaches, and tight muscles—
The lie I told myself was: I just haven’t been drinking enough water.
The truth I buried was: The stored pain and anguish of my past is causing my body to tantrum.
My mouth hurled hurtful words towards those for whom I care deepest—
The lie I told myself was: I’m justified. They are trying to aggravate and manipulate me.
The truth I buried was: My mind will attack anyone it feels is getting too close to the tender, raw parts within me.
I had no time to nourish my Soul--
The lie I told myself was: I have a test tomorrow…a chapter to read…
The truth I buried was: My avoidance supports my fear— I am no longer worthy of God’s attention, let alone love.
The Tipping Point
Eventually, I hit a point where my fear of remaining emotionally wounded outweighed my fear of transformation:
My physical, emotional, spiritual and relational pain outweighed the pain of my truth: I was hurt, wounded, broken and NOT fine!
My fear of hurting one more day outweighed my fear of healing.
The energetic cost of avoiding what happened outweighed the cost of acknowledgment.
On this journey towards self-awareness, I learned:
- We too are endowed with an internal Divine power to renew—seeds, which when released further our transformation.
- God uses our external circumstances and experiences to cultivate and calibrate the soil necessary for our particular seeds to burst forth and grow.
- If allowed by me, that which appears to seek my destruction, ultimately furthers my growth.
- The almost 10 years of healing were not all spent in conscious chronic pain. Those years held countless fulfilling and joyful memories. However, the energy I funneled into maintaining the lies and burial plots of my truths was precious energy not funneled into being completely present with myself and those I love.
-What are the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual costs (to you and those around you) of keeping these truths buried?
-How would your life be different if you were able to re-direct the energy used to keep your truths buried? Where would you re-direct it? Family? hobbies? Where?
Deepen your awareness with Just Notice: Self-Awareness Exercise in the new SelfExplore section of the website!
In part 2 of this four-part blog series, I will discuss how accepting "what is" brings us even closer to our Divine Self and the seeds perpetually offered to us.
Namaste and Happy New Year, Sisters & Brothers!
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Yellowstone Fires of 1988
History of Wildland Fire in Yellowstone
Biology, 4th ed. (1996) by Neil Campbell