Many of us (myself included), resort to closing or hardening our hearts in response to hurtful relationships. However, I've come to realize that when you seal a doo with rock-hard cement, nothing gets out or in; we may lock out new pain (YAY), but we also limit the love, compassion, and wisdom granted and desired by others in our lives. Additionally, we’re often locked in with our pain; wrestling with it and ruminating on it day and night.
The good news is that there is a middle ground between being powerlessly open and powerfully hardened. We can make choices that will allow us to guard our heart while keeping it open to life-giving people and experiences. We cannot avoid all forms of relational pain but we can impact our reactions to it. If we re-focus the energy spent on maintaining a hard-heart-shell we can use it to access our "Big S, Self-led" resources (the guidance and wisdom that emerges when we align with Spirit within).
The good news is that there is a middle ground between being powerlessly open and powerfully hardened. We can make choices that will allow us to guard our heart while keeping it open to life-giving people and experiences. We cannot avoid all forms of relational pain but we can impact our reactions to it. If we re-focus the energy spent on maintaining a hard-heart-shell we can use it to access our "Big S, Self-led" resources (the guidance and wisdom that emerges when we align with Spirit within).
Middle Ground
So many of us strive to connect with our "Big-S, Self"-- that divine source of wisdom, compassion and peace that can flow through us all; nonetheless, dynamics within our relationships sometimes seem to block our access to that internal spiritual stream:
I want to forgive but they consistently reject me and don’t respect me at all.
I need to let go but I’ve been hurt more times than I can count. I never feel good enough.
I should love but after each interaction I end up feeling burdened and worse.
I need to heal but they continue to mentally, physically and emotionally abuse me.**
Our ability to forgive, let go, love and heal seems non-existent; instead of being filled with peace, compassion, love and gratefulness we feel full of resentment, bitterness, and anger.
I want to forgive but they consistently reject me and don’t respect me at all.
I need to let go but I’ve been hurt more times than I can count. I never feel good enough.
I should love but after each interaction I end up feeling burdened and worse.
I need to heal but they continue to mentally, physically and emotionally abuse me.**
Our ability to forgive, let go, love and heal seems non-existent; instead of being filled with peace, compassion, love and gratefulness we feel full of resentment, bitterness, and anger.
Guarding vs. Hardening Your Springs
In the bible it is written, “above all else, guard your heart, because from it flows the springs of life” (Proverb 4:23, ISV). Not only are we advised to guard our hearts, but we're also told why-- We are not told to guard our hearts because of what may come into them (e.g. the big bad scary world) but because of what comes out of them— “the springs of life”— God’s presence in us, flowing out of us and into the world as pure life and love.
There are key differences between guarding and hardening in relationships. Guarding is energized by discernment. Guarding focuses our ability to sustain Self-led qualities regardless of any decision or change the other person makes. Hardening is energized by judgement. Conversely, it requires the “bad” qualities of the other person to go away before we can open our heart again.
Guarding is "Big S, Self-focused" while hardening is other-focused. Guarding does not require the other person to change to make you feel better, instead, it allows you to use the dynamics of that relationship to learn more about your Self and form a stronger alignment with your Spirit.
Hardening: “I want nothing to do with you because you are an awful person.”
Vs.
Guarding: “I am learning that when we are together I am not my best self.”
Hardening: “If you would just change, our relationship would be perfect.”
Vs.
Guarding: “I recognize my power to align with Spirit and make choices that give me life independent your actions.”
There are key differences between guarding and hardening in relationships. Guarding is energized by discernment. Guarding focuses our ability to sustain Self-led qualities regardless of any decision or change the other person makes. Hardening is energized by judgement. Conversely, it requires the “bad” qualities of the other person to go away before we can open our heart again.
Guarding is "Big S, Self-focused" while hardening is other-focused. Guarding does not require the other person to change to make you feel better, instead, it allows you to use the dynamics of that relationship to learn more about your Self and form a stronger alignment with your Spirit.
Hardening: “I want nothing to do with you because you are an awful person.”
Vs.
Guarding: “I am learning that when we are together I am not my best self.”
Hardening: “If you would just change, our relationship would be perfect.”
Vs.
Guarding: “I recognize my power to align with Spirit and make choices that give me life independent your actions.”
3 Questions to Clear Your Springs
When your heart begins to harden towards a relationship, it may help to ask the following insightful questions:
1. When I am interacting with this person, what is it about me and the dynamics of this relationship that limit my ability to maintain "Big-S," Self-led qualities?**
We often begin with the question, “what is wrong with [insert name]?!?!" However, we do not possess the power, insight or access to fully understand another person’s internal struggles; the best we can do is create stories fueled by our judgments and frustrations. If we alternatively focus on our reactions to another person's behavior, we gain helpful insight and wisdom into how we can use our spiritual power to improve our mental and physical circumstances.
2. What valuable lesson is this relationship teaching me?**
Every experience we have encourages our soul’s growth and development towards love; this includes hurtful relationships (relationships are actually our souls primary teachers…but that’s another post for another time :-) ).
3. What hurtful memories are being triggered by this experience? What do I need to heal?
Our souls have access to the divine resources necessary to handle anything that comes our way in this life; still, to know which resources to draw upon, it helps to understand how the situation impacts us. Awareness of our emotions in the moment, grants us access to triggered past wounds and provides guidance on focusing our healing energy.
Maintaining Clean Springs
We harden our hearts to avoid pain in relationships, causing us to miss out on the many benefits that life-giving relationships may provide. When we harden or firmly cover our hearts out of fear or resentment, we prevent “springs of life,” love and peace from freely flowing (in or out); guarding our hearts, on the other hand, assists us in keeping those springs “clean” and free of emotional debris that may leave us feeling unfulfilled and distanced from those we love and our internal source of divine power.
**Very Important Note**
With ALL of that said, I want to be clear, there are relationships where abuse is a factor. In these cases, safety is paramount. We can let go of judgment, learn valuable soul lessons, heal wounds and aspire to live a "Big-S, Self-led" life while still maintaining a safe distance from an abusive situation. Read about the benefits of identifying life-giving relationships and developing enlightened boundaries for those that seem to drain our energy.
Are you in a relationship that leaves your heart feeling hardened?
What is one judgement you hold about this person?
How can you transform this Hardening, other-focused judgement into a Guarding, "Big-S,Self-focused," statement that focuses your ability to align with Spirit and make Self-led decisions (hint: the statement will focus on the only thing you can control...yourself!)?
Can you think of other questions, beliefs or opinions that keep your spiritual streams flowing in hurtful circumstances?
Comment below! I'd love to hear from you!
What is one judgement you hold about this person?
How can you transform this Hardening, other-focused judgement into a Guarding, "Big-S,Self-focused," statement that focuses your ability to align with Spirit and make Self-led decisions (hint: the statement will focus on the only thing you can control...yourself!)?
Can you think of other questions, beliefs or opinions that keep your spiritual streams flowing in hurtful circumstances?
Comment below! I'd love to hear from you!
Namaste!
Want to learn more about becoming "Big-S, Self-led"?
Read Strive To Be Self-Centered: 4 Tools For Internal Peace.
Read Strive To Be Self-Centered: 4 Tools For Internal Peace.
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