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4-Step Guide to Setting Spiritually Aligned Boundaries 

7/2/2015

1 Comment

 
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“Whatever! This is why I don’t trust people.”

“She did that on purpose and I don’t associate with manipulative people.”

“I want nothing to do with you and I’ll never forgive you!”



The above phrases, often yelled or whispered, are signs that we’ve erected defensive boundaries—the emotional, physical and mental barriers we erect to protect and remain safe; they often involve running from emotional pain, striking back, or ejecting people we dislike from our lives.

While the understandable erection of defensive boundaries briefly minimizes pain, we still find ourselves constantly thinking about the relationship; expending energy to avoid the person; or pretending we are not hurt. 

To be clear, boundaries in relationships are important, yet, our intentions behind those boundaries determine their effectiveness.  Instead of running away, striking back, or rejecting, we can choose to heal, learn and grow through enlightened boundaries— standards or limits set with the intention of increasing self-awareness, accepting ‘what is’ (not to be confused with agreement) and maintaining spiritual alignment. Enlightened boundaries may involve distancing similar to that we see with defensive boundaries; however, their impact on us is very different.


Self-Awareness, Acceptance, and Spiritual Growth
Many of us find that defensive boundary setting provides only temporary relief.  Such boundaries rely upon avoiding pain to function.   If everything concerning the pain-triggering person stays out of our awareness, we are fine.  If, on the other hand, that person walks into a room or sends an email our defensive boundaries crumble like stale bread; anger and bitterness well up like wildfire as our pain points are triggered. Enlightened boundaries, are not about running away from pain; they are about running towards the freedom gained by becoming aware of and accepting realities within ourselves.

As we grow in our ability to accept and gain awareness of our thoughts, emotions and relationship needs, we increase our ability to remain aligned with our Divine Self.  Eventually, we reach a place where we can non-judgmentally, maintain spiritual power and perspective while in the same room with those who may be less aware of theirs. For more guidance on maintaining spiritual power in hurtful relationships, read Three Questions to Keep Your Spiritual Streams Flowing in Hurtful Relationships.


Maintenance of enlightened boundaries creates the distance you need to increase self-awareness; allows you to discern your needs through non-judgment and acceptance; helps you to maintain your alignment with Spirit; and enhances your ability to sustain spiritual power regardless of who you are around. 
1. Determine which relationships could benefit from an enlightened boundary. 
Who do you become or how do you show up when you engage in this relationship?

Do you become angry? Do you shut down or minimize yourself?

Do you feel energetically drained or confused after interacting with this person? 

2. Make enlightened boundary statements. 
You must become aware of and accept your boundaries before you can teach others to honor them. The following statements can grant insight into your specific needs in relationships:

a) I am aware of and accept that for me to be able to fully receive AND fully give in a relationship, [respect] must be present.

b) I am aware of and accept that when I am in a relationship where [respect] is present:
[We wait for each other to finish speaking before we speak.] 
[We speak with calm (vs raised) voices.]

c) I am aware of and accept that when I engage in relationships where [respect] is absent I do not function well. I become [bitter, cynical and tense].

d) I am aware of and accept that I have limits in terms of what I will give and what I will accept in relationships that lack [respect]. 

e) My limits are: [yelling] is not okay and when you [yell], I will leave the room to honor my boundary and allow myself to keep true to my standards (e.g. not yell back).

Complete these statements for each quality (e.g. trust, compassion) you need to be present in your healthy relationships. Fill the [ ] with your own thoughts and feelings.

3. Express and Reclaim.
When we feel hurt, our anger or outrage can ineffectively explode onto those who trigger our pain.  However, ignoring the anger may only make it worse.  Before engaging the person to express your boundary, write or talk about the anger with a friend. Then reclaim the energy through meditation, going for a walk in nature, writing in a gratefulness journal, and calmly practicing your statements. 


4. Reflect and check. 
Appropriate boundaries create integrity
(Jewish Proverb).  When we are operating from defensive boundaries, we often find ourselves saying and doing things that go against our personal truth and standards.  As you enforce enlightened boundaries, reflect on your conversation and check your motivations.
If you answer, yes, to either question below, you likely slipped into defensive boundary mode:

Were my words motivated by anger or fear? 
Did I violate my own standards during this communication?
 

When you become more self-aware, enlightened boundaries increase your connection to Divine Self by enhancing your integrity; they do not compromise or diminish it.
 

Set Your Enlightened Boundaries
Self-Compassion Required
We are not perfect.  Learning to operate from an enlightened boundary paradigm, can take time.  When you find yourself reacting versus responding or not adhering to your own standards, practice self-compassion and ask:

What gift of self-awareness is my reaction carrying?
What pain point from my past is being triggered?
What do I need to heal?


Points to Remember
  • Set specific limits to increase the likelihood those limits will be honored.  There is a difference between “respect me” (vague) and “do not yell at me” (specific).
  • Stay on topic by communicating your limits in a smooth tone without over-explaining and defensive speech. A clear and specific boundary can be communicated in 1-2 sentences. 
  • If a boundary is crossed, use the broken record technique, restate your phrases calmly until you are heard or need to enact a consequence (e.g. I will leave the room).  
  • The best way to communicate a boundary is to model it and follow it. If you set a boundary against name calling, do not name call.  When you give a consequence, follow through.
  • You should not remain in hurtful circumstances. It’s perfectly okay and strongly suggested that you set boundaries. According to Brené Brown, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” You can set limits and respect someone as a divine creation.
How do you set and maintain boundaries in your relationships? I’d love to hear from you! Comment below!
Namaste!

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subscribe to this blog. Also, check out my Facebook page and "Like" it to receive helpful insights and updates!
Want to learn more about the power of self-awareness in the healing process? Read Lessons from the Ashes, Part 1: Self-Awareness
Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved
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3 Key Questions to Keep Your Spiritual Streams Flowing through Hurtful Relationships

6/1/2015

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Many of us (myself included), resort to closing or hardening our hearts in response to hurtful relationships.  However, I've come to realize that when you seal  a doo with rock-hard cement, nothing gets out or in; we may lock out new pain (YAY), but we also limit the love, compassion, and wisdom granted and desired by others in our lives.  Additionally, we’re often locked in with our pain; wrestling with it and ruminating on it day and night.

The good news is that there is a middle ground between being powerlessly open and powerfully hardened.  We can make choices that will allow us to guard our heart while keeping it open to life-giving people and experiences.  We cannot avoid all forms of relational pain but we can impact our reactions to it.  If we re-focus the energy spent on maintaining a hard-heart-shell we can use it to access our "Big S, Self-led" resources (the guidance and wisdom that emerges when we align with Spirit within).
Middle Ground
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So many of us strive to connect with our "Big-S, Self"-- that divine source of wisdom, compassion and peace that can flow through us all; nonetheless, dynamics within our relationships sometimes seem to block our access to that internal spiritual stream:


I want to forgive but they consistently reject me and don’t respect me at all. 

I need to let go but I’ve been hurt more times than I can count.  I never feel good enough.

I should love but after each interaction I end up feeling burdened and worse. 

I need to heal but they continue to mentally, physically and emotionally abuse me.**


Our ability to forgive, let go, love and heal seems non-existent; instead of being filled with peace, compassion, love and gratefulness we feel full of resentment, bitterness, and anger.

Guarding vs. Hardening Your Springs
In the bible it is written, “above all else, guard your heart, because from it flows the springs of life” (Proverb 4:23, ISV).   Not only are we advised to guard our hearts, but we're also told why-- We are not told to guard our hearts because of what may come into them (e.g. the big bad scary world) but because of what comes out of them— “the springs of life”— God’s presence in us, flowing out of us and into the world as pure life and love.  

There are key differences between guarding and hardening in relationships.  Guarding is energized by discernment.  Guarding focuses our ability to sustain Self-led qualities regardless of any decision or change the other person makes.  Hardening is energized by judgement.  Conversely, it requires the “bad” qualities of the other person to go away before we can open our heart again. 

Guarding is "Big S, Self-focused" while hardening is other-focused.  Guarding does not require the other person to change to make you feel better, instead, it allows you to use the dynamics of that relationship to learn more about your Self and form a stronger alignment with your Spirit.    

Hardening: “I want nothing to do with you because you are an awful person.”
Vs.
Guarding: “I am learning that when we are together I am not my best self.”  
 
Hardening: “If you would just change, our relationship would be perfect.”
Vs.

Guarding:  “I recognize my power to align with Spirit and make choices that give me life independent your actions.”
3 Questions to Clear Your Springs
When your heart begins to harden towards a relationship, it may help to ask the following insightful questions:
1. When I am interacting with this person, what is it about me and the dynamics of this relationship that limit my ability to maintain "Big-S," Self-led qualities?**
We often begin with the question, “what is wrong with [insert name]?!?!"  However, we do not possess the power, insight or access to fully understand another person’s internal struggles; the best we can do is create stories fueled by our judgments and frustrations.  If we alternatively focus on our reactions to another person's behavior, we gain helpful insight and wisdom into how we can use our spiritual power to improve our mental and physical circumstances. 
2. What valuable lesson is this relationship teaching me?**
Every experience we have encourages our soul’s growth and development towards love; this includes hurtful relationships (relationships are actually our souls primary teachers…but that’s another post for another time :-) ).
3. What hurtful memories are being triggered by this experience?  What do I need to heal?
Our souls have access to the divine resources necessary to handle anything that comes our way in this life; still, to know which resources to draw upon, it helps to understand how the situation impacts us.  Awareness of our emotions in the moment, grants us access to triggered past wounds and provides guidance on focusing our healing energy.
Maintaining Clean Springs
We harden our hearts to avoid pain in relationships, causing us to miss out on the many benefits that life-giving relationships may provide.  When we harden or firmly cover our hearts out of fear or resentment, we prevent “springs of life,” love and peace from freely flowing (in or out); guarding our hearts, on the other hand, assists us in keeping those springs “clean” and free of emotional debris that may leave us feeling unfulfilled and distanced from those we love and our internal source of divine power.   
**Very Important Note**
With ALL of that said, I want to be clear, there are relationships where abuse is a factor.  In these cases, safety is paramount.  We can let go of judgment, learn valuable soul lessons, heal wounds and aspire to live a "Big-S, Self-led" life while still maintaining a safe distance from an abusive situation. Read about the benefits of identifying life-giving relationships and developing enlightened boundaries for those that seem to drain our energy.
Are you in a relationship that leaves your heart feeling hardened?   

What is one judgement you hold about this person?

How can you transform this Hardening, other-focused judgement into a Guarding, "Big-S,Self-focused," statement that focuses your ability to align with Spirit and make Self-led decisions (hint: the statement will focus on the only thing you can control...yourself!)?

Can you think of other questions, beliefs or opinions that keep your spiritual streams flowing in hurtful circumstances?


Comment below! I'd love to hear from you!

Namaste!
Want to learn more about becoming "Big-S, Self-led"? 
Read Strive To Be Self-Centered: 4 Tools For Internal Peace.

Don’t forget
to subscribe to this blog. Also, check out my Facebook page and "Like" it to receive helpful insights and updates!
Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved
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Lessons From The Ashes, Part 4: Reflecting

2/19/2015

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Lodgepole pine cone opened by fire to release seeds.*
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Yellowstone park forest burned in 1988*
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Yellowstone Park forest growth progression post-1988 fire*
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Yellowstone Park forest growth progression @ 10 years post-1988 fire*
Reflections
Following the Yellowstone Park fire of 1988, the minds of many were filled with questions like: What happened? How did it happen? What can we learn from this? 
   

Once we gain an awareness of the wounds created by our “forest fire” experiences and begin to heal, we will eventually hit a point where we find it necessary to reflect upon our healing journey.  We can then view the new landscape and deepen our growth.  When we take time to reflect, as I have done through this series or in other ways, the bigger internal landscape comes into focus and the weeds of judgment against others and ourselves begin to wither.   Questions of who did what, why and how? become less important and questions of where am I and who am I because of this? become essential.

Life Always Finds a Way
When Yellowstone burned, it did not die. Like the Lodgepole Pines, without any human intervention, Yellowstone forest began to rebuild.  As the smoke, which blocked our ability to view the landscape, cleared, scientists began photographing and monitoring the changes within the forest.  Miraculously, they found that the forest grew to be more lush and full than before the fire.  Areas that had not had any growth prior to the fire were now teeming with life as the Lodgepole and other seeds found new homes.
 
Once I ended the “forest fire” that was my unhealthy relationship, I welcomed the thick smoke of denial that clouded the scene.  I figured, as long as I couldn’t see the damaged landscape, it wasn’t really there— makes sense, right? :-) .  However, the smoke of denial eventually dissolved and I chose to heal the wounded Parts of myself that feared I was beyond repair. 

Eventually, I viewed my new internal landscape with fresh eyes and what I found was not the permanent destruction I feared but life! I was full of potential for growth. It was my fear that limited my ability to see life amidst the loss.  Like Lodgepole seeds, my internal seeds of wisdom and guidance survived and were activated by my “forest fire” experience!  These seeds of wisdom also spread to other areas of my life and I began to see emotional and spiritual growth in new places.           

Where and Who Am I Now?
Healing continues; there are Parts of me that are still triggered by the various “forest fire” experiences from my past. However, I am better able to recognize what triggers my anger, bitterness etc. and deal with it directly.  For instance, when I create stories about how “s/he tried to manipulate/anger me,” I try not to react (as often…lol).  Rather, I work to recognize my thoughts and emotions and trace them back to the internal source of my pain.  This has been a long road, but well worth the continued effort.  My children are worth it, my joy is worth it, my soul is worth it, I AM WORTH IT! …we ALL are WORTH IT!


Upon reflecting on my journey, I have learned:

  • We can derail our healing process if we continue to view our “forest fire” experiences as destructive forces and suppliers of death and sorrow.  Yes, we must acknowledge our losses and witness the pain they cause but we should also try to remember that life is not in the ashes and burying ourselves in them only leads to suffocation. However, when we view our “forest fire” experiences as transformative forces and suppliers of life and growth, our internal seeds of wisdom will guide us to self-compassion and peace.
  • On our healing journey, recalling why we want to heal gives motivation when the end seems so far away.  For instance, I continue to heal and reflect, in part, so I can avoid passing the third-degree burns of my past onto my children.  I will not choke them on the smoke of my pain or bury them beneath the ashes of my victimhood. I want the soil that cultivates my seeds to support their growth.  Questions like these can help us find motivation: Do I need to heal? What are the benefits of healing? Of remaining where I am? How will I know when I’ve healed, what will be different?
  • The healing journey is not a one-time event, but a constant process.  When we view perceived “let downs” or “backslides” as personal defects, we remain stuck; when we view them as opportunities to see areas that still need healing and growth we can rejoice in their unveiling and hear the lessons they carry. 
  • We cannot change our past but we can acknowledge the feelings and heal the wounds that result from that past.  We can then choose how we interpret and respond in the present. 
  • When we continuously react in the moment as if we are in our past, we essentially re-victimize ourselves by physically and emotionally reacting to everyone around us as if they are “out to get us.”  My unhealthy relationship did not keep me stuck; it was in the past and no longer had power over me.  It was the stories I created through my pain about myself and those around me that kept me imprisoned in history. 
  • A goal of healing is not to eliminate all pain but to shift our perspective to one that allows us to remain present with and realize the ways in which our thoughts, judgments and emotions about the past create our suffering and keep us stuck.  This shift in perspective enhances our belief that like the Lodgepole, we have been gifted with an internal source of power to quench our “forest fires” and renew.

Find your motivations, become aware of your “forest fire” experiences, accept your emotions as the guides they are; witness those parts of you that carry pain and reflect on your process to gain the wisdom it cultivates.  These steps will bring you closer to your Divine Self.


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*The above pictures depict Yellowstone's growth and healing progression over the course of 10 years.  Courtesy of the National Park Service. www.nps.gov 

Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2015. All rights reserved




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Lessons From The Ashes, Part 3: Witnessing

2/5/2015

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In 1988, the fires burned Yellowstone park.  Nothing would change that.  Lamenting over the lost landscape would only jeopardize our opportunity to witness the powerful transformation taking place amidst the ashes as nature healed itself and rebirthed.

Messages from my Internal Forest
When we disown wounded Parts of ourselves to minimize pain, the pain those Parts carry will retreat to our mind, muscles, or soul.  When exceptionally deep, pain will penetrate all three. 

To heal and rebirth the Parts of me wounded in my unhealthy college relationship, I had to become aware of, accept and witness the pain they carried. I had to release my victimhood, enter my internal forest, and allow those wounded Parts to tell me their tales.  Some messages those Parts of me carried were:

“My mind, body and soul are hurting.”

“My fear of being emotionally blistered by others is leading me to sear those closest to me.”

“My ignorance of my worth leads me into situations that only reinforce my pain.”

“I am so angry…no, ENRAGED. I had never truly hated anyone, but I HATE the person who hurt me.”

“I have no idea how to make it better.”

Entering the forest  
Witnessing or perceiving pain with compassion, looks different for everyone; for me it required that I enter my smoldering internal forest, and acknowledge the heavy ashes of my old reality that were being carried by my disowned and wounded Parts. 

Witnessing my pain meant that I eventually embraced and compassionately listened to my wounded Parts.  I cried with them and allowed the buried memories and emotions to surface.  Over time, self-compassion transformed my pain into peace.  

Companions on the Path
There was fear in dropping the ashes—fear of emotional pain and a new reality, a new internal forest.   This fear limited my ability to generate compassion towards the Parts of me that carried my pain.  

When the fears overwhelmed me I called for help— a trusted friend, therapist, or the Holy Spirit. I happily and humbly enlisted the clarity and compassion of all three to help me through the smoke-filled forest of my mind.  

Watering the Seeds
Seeds are created containing all the food required for their development.  Similarly, everything we need to heal and grow is contained within us. External striving for peace only distracts us from our internal healing process.  

To activate the food within the seeds, water is needed. The tears I initially viewed as a weakness were an acknowledgement of the pain I felt inside. The release of our tears represents strength as they activate our internal seeds of guidance and wisdom. 

On this journey towards the witnessing of my pain, I have learned:
  • Emotions are not my enemy.  I realized that emotions are my friends. I know this is hard to believe.  Our emotions don’t always lead to the best results.  I’ve blamed short-sighted decisions and chronically tight neck muscles on my “negative emotions.”  However, I’ve learned that emotions are simply signposts directing us to what is going on within and around us.  When I listened to their messages, I learned valuable lessons.  When I ignored or ran them over with distractions, they turned into disturbingly bright flashing neon signs; the increased intensity was not to hurt me but to help me see, understand and learn.
  • Bursting hurts, bringing heals.  In the often debated Gospel of Thomas, Jesus is quoted as saying: "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you" (#70).  Emotions are designed to guide thoughts and actions, reflect the internal and external, and assist the transformation of pain into peace.  They are not meant to be hidden, stifled, or buried.  As psychologist Ron Siegel says, “when we bury our emotions, we bury them alive.” They will eventually burst forth and that bursting process often leads to more pain. On the other hand, when we consciously bring forth and witness our pain, that bringing process leads to freedom.
  • Witnessing is the purest act of self-compassion. Witnessing or perceiving pain with compassion involved allowing my wounded Parts to tell their stories; to be heard. I’ve done this by talking to a compassionate companion; writing in a journal; or through spiritual means such as healing meditations or psychospiritual therapy.  These are examples of going through the pain.  Witnessing is not always easy but can be aided by the belief that we are worthy of healing, forgiveness, and love.
  • As above, so below.  I have come to believe a universal truth:  we all want to be validated. Not necessarily “fixed” but seen, heard and prayerfully understood. This truth traverses age and culture.  Just as we crave validation from those around us, Parts within us crave the same thing from us. This is why self-compassion is key to our healing process.  We need to be open to receiving our own compassion before we can be fully open to receiving (or giving) compassion from (or to) others.
  • Do-overs allowed. After learning the power of witnessing through the healing of my college relationship wounds, I began to witness the Parts of me that carried older and newer wounds.  I have also learned to forgive myself when I anxiously run from the forest or refuse to drop the ashes. It is from this place of self-compassion that I cultivate the strength, will and faith to return to the forest again and again, healing each wound, nourishing each seed and witnessing my pain into peace.

In the fourth and final installment of this four part series, I will discuss the how reflecting on our healing journeys helps us to clear the smoke in our minds, see the bigger landscape and access our Forgotten Self.

Please visit the SelfCenter section of the website and complete the "May I: Self-compassion Exercise" to assess your level of self-compassion.  Also, learn how to enhance your self-compassion and cultivate wisdom from your experiences.


Namaste, Sisters & Brothers!


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Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2015. All rights reserved

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Lessons From The Ashes, Part 2: Acceptance

1/19/2015

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In the previous post on self-awareness, I discussed how the Lodgepole Pines of Yellowstone Park need fire in order to release their seeds and rejuvenate.  We now know that had we accepted the Lodgepole’s truth, stricter guidelines could have been established around setting controlled fires and the 1988 wildfire may not have occurred.  

The hurtful experiences of my unhealthy college relationship happened — I had to accept this truth.  Acceptance did not mean that it should’ve happened, I deserved it or that it will happen again.  Acceptance did mean that I chose to no longer abdicate my power to the past by trying to erase or ignore what happened.  Acceptance did mean that I chose to face forward and heal the pain.  

By not accepting, like punching smoke to put out the flames, my defensive reactions hemorrhaged precious energy in misdirected, hurtful and ineffective ways.  Through acceptance I understood that my reactions were normal (anger, sadness, even hate), and it was the dynamics of my college relationship that were abnormal.  Lastly, acceptance brought my wounded parts into view and closer to healing.

On this journey towards acceptance, I learned:

  •  Acceptance of our True Identity unearths our True Power.  What happened to me was, in part, due to my lack of acceptance that I deserved anything better.  I am NOT saying that this person’s behavior was my fault.  When one person chooses to dishonor another, it is not the dishonored persons fault.  The responsibility of the choice to dishonor lies with the person who chose to act in this way. What I AM saying is that in my situation, my lack of knowledge regarding my self-worth led me to minimize my power and bury a profound Truth:
       
        I Am A Treasured Child of God! 
       
        When we recognize this as our true identity, we realize the profound                         inconsistencies inherent in the dishonorable ways we treat each other and                 ourselves.    
  • Acceptance yields strength. I viewed the recognition of my pain as a weakness; a sign that this person “really got me good.”  I believed that as long as I buried the truth that my pain was real and deep, I would be fine; I would remain strong and in control. Like termites in a tree, however, my pain only ate me from the inside out. It nibbled into my joints, chewed into my mind and eventually began to consume the door to my soul.  Though our exteriors may appear strong and fortified, when we refuse to accept “what is” we stifle our strength and compromise our sense of control.  
  •  Acceptance is a seed which bears wisdom and discernment.  Just as the Lodgepole seeds need to go through the fire to sprout, we need to go through our pain to heal. There is no negotiating on this truth (if there were, I would have done it ;-) ).  Acknowledging our past, helps us to accept our present and set well-discerned intentions that will spiritually fortify our minds for the future.  
  •  Acceptance is cost-effective. Refusing to accept “what is,” limits our ability to make skilled and useful choices. As a result, we ultimately make decisions based upon what we feel “should be” as opposed to “what is”:  
           
            The belief that “forests should not burn” limited our ability to make the skilled          and useful choice to set controlled fires. 
           
         The belief that “I should quickly get over this relationship” limited my ability  to
 make a skilled and useful choice to seek help or consciously heal. 

         Ultimately, in both cases, the cost of avoidance was much higher than the                        

         choice of acceptance.

Please visit the SelfExplore section of the website and complete the "Parts of Me: Emotional Awareness" exercise to experience the practice of acceptance with our emotions.

In the third lesson on Witnessing, I will discuss the gifts inherent in witnessing the stories the wounded parts of us carry and desperately need to tell.

Namaste and Happy MLK Day, Brothers and Sisters!

Don’t forget to subscribe to this blog. Check out my Facebook page and "Like" it if ya don't mind!

Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2015. All rights reserved


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Lessons From The Ashes, Part 1: Self-Awareness

1/6/2015

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In 1988, Yellowstone National Park lost over 800,000 acres of vegetation to fire.  The flames devastated the 300-year-old Lodgepole Pines.  Many felt sorrow; however, few realized the Lodgepole contains seeds that are only released when the tree is burned and the ash turns to soil that fertilizes the seedlings.  Fire, the supplier of death and destruction revealed itself to be a transformative power necessary for growth.   

Painful experiences can be tools which help us uncover seeds of truth and transformation that may have otherwise remained buried. Like the Yellowstone fire, my most difficult experiences held seeds containing wisdom, power, and guidance essential for my growth and transformation.  While in college, I was in an unhealthy relationship that did not honor my truths and was out of alignment with my Divine Self.  The devastating fires of that relationship left me lamenting over and gripping the ashes that represented my charred sense of self.   Unfortunately, my grip on the ashes disabled their ability to settle and evolve into the soil that my transformative seeds needed for nourishment.  As a result, my mourning process endured for the better part of a decade. 

As long as I viewed the ashes as remnants of death, the soil which nourishes life, continuously eluded me.  Only through Spirit-led lessons on Self-awareness, Acceptance, Witnessing, and Accessing my Divine transformative power was I set on the path to healing.  This power and difficult healing process ultimately enabled me to remember the existence of the Self I had forgotten.  In this blog, I discuss the  first of four lessons I learned:

Lesson 1: Self-Awareness
Prior to the 1988 fire, nature attempted to run its course through small wildfires; however, our lack of awareness regarding forest growth processes minimized our understanding of the Lodgepole’s truth— It needs the power of fire to rejuvenate. 

I find that my lack of self-awareness minimizes my truth. This was the case once I ended the difficult relationship; I buried any awareness that something was wrong: “I am NOT hurt…I am NOT wounded…I am NOT broken…I am FINE!” My body, mind and spirit, told very different truths, however; truths buried deep within:

In my body I felt achy joints, headaches, and tight muscles—
The lie I told myself was: I just haven’t been drinking enough water.
The truth I buried was: The stored pain and anguish of my past is causing my body to tantrum.

My mouth hurled hurtful words towards those for whom I care deepest
—
The lie I told myself was: I’m justified. They are trying to aggravate and manipulate me.
The truth I buried was: My mind will attack anyone it feels is getting too close to the tender, raw parts within me.

I had no time to nourish my Soul
--
The lie I told myself was: I have a test tomorrow…a chapter to read…
The truth I buried was: My avoidance supports my fear— I am no longer worthy of God’s attention, let alone love.

The Tipping Point          

Eventually, I hit a point where my fear of remaining emotionally wounded outweighed my fear of transformation:

My physical, emotional, spiritual and relational pain outweighed the pain of my truth:  I was hurt, wounded, broken and NOT fine!    


My fear of hurting one more day outweighed my fear of healing.

The energetic cost of avoiding what happened outweighed the cost of acknowledgment.

On this journey towards self-awareness, I learned:
  • We too are endowed with an internal Divine power to renew—seeds, which when released further our transformation.
  • God uses our external circumstances and experiences to cultivate and calibrate the soil necessary for our particular seeds to burst forth and grow. 
  • If allowed by me, that which appears to seek my destruction, ultimately furthers my growth.
  • The almost 10 years of healing were not all spent in conscious chronic pain.  Those years held countless fulfilling and joyful memories.  However, the energy I funneled into maintaining the lies and burial plots of my truths was precious energy not funneled into being completely present with myself and those I love.       
-What truths have your body mind and spirit been trying to tell you?
-What are the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual costs (to you and those around you) of keeping these truths buried?
-How would your life be different if you were able to re-direct the energy used to keep your truths buried? Where would you re-direct it? Family? hobbies? Where?

Deepen your awareness with Just Notice: Self-Awareness Exercise in the new SelfExplore section of the website!

In part 2 of this four-part blog series, I will discuss how accepting "what is" brings us even closer to our Divine Self and the seeds perpetually offered to us.

Namaste and Happy New Year, Sisters & Brothers!


Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2015. All rights reserved

Citations:
Yellowstone Fires of 1988
History of Wildland Fire in Yellowstone
Biology, 4th ed. (1996) by Neil Campbell




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Blue Christmas

12/15/2014

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Red and green fill the landscape.
Holiday songs fill the air.
Scent of pine and pie fill our noses.
Brisk cold air fills our lungs.        
Good food fills our tummies.
Good thoughts and emotions fill our minds.



For many of us, this is the experience the holiday season brings, fullness and gratefulness.  Others of us, however, cannot boast of such experiences.  For some, the sights, sounds, smells, thoughts, emotions, and sensations of the holiday season bring with them a sense of emptiness, dread and even unrelenting pain. 


In 2011, I had the honor of being asked by Pastor Julie Pennington-Russell to deliver the prayer during the Blue Christmas service at the First Baptist Church of Decatur in Decatur, Georgia.  Below you will find the prayer that was placed on my heart to deliver. Please share it with those who may benefit or recite it for those who cannot recite it for themselves—­     


God, we come to you this evening from so many different places: wholeness, brokenness, fullness, and emptiness.  We ask Lord, that you open and fill our hearts and minds in this moment so that we may feel Your presence, hear Your voice, sense Your will, and heed Your guidance.   

In many hearts within these walls and beyond, there is goodness and abundance; there is also so much pain… so much suffering.  It is from and for those hearts that we come to You on this evening, God.

Where there is Depression, grief, and confusion we ask for peace, clarity and support from those able to offer friendship, words of comfort or simply a silent presence.

Where there is Addiction, poverty, and illness we ask for healing of our bodies, minds and spirits; we ask for help in all possible forms, and hope that will grant us the motivation to live another day even when the alternative seems so seductive.

Where there is Fear, separation, and hopelessness we ask for the strength to turn to You, God, in our darkest hours.  Endow us with a sacred trust in Your unconditional love for us, even when….no, especially when we cannot sense Your love on our own.

Where there is Self-hate, suffering, and shame we ask that You help us to see ourselves, our lives and each other as You see us. Help us, God to become fully aware of our sacred worth as treasures in these earthen vessels.  Help us to withstand the negative messages and jabs from those who, because of their own pain, seek to define us as worth-less. 

And finally, God, during this holiday season, we ask that where there is Contention, strife, and anger within families, and among friends that you bring them together so that they dine on seats of humility, drink from cups full of compassion, and eat from plates packed with understanding.

Now God, we will take a moment to fall silent and ask that you hear those prayers which are too deep for words…

We thank You God for the chance to be with each other on this day. We thank You for Your continued presence in our lives and our hearts; we thank You for each and every day that You gift us with; and we thank You for all that we may take for granted.

Guide and protect us, care for and direct us, now and forever.  Amen.



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Divine Conversations on Forgiveness

12/2/2014

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My journey to forgiveness has been long and at times, laborious.  Recently, I felt a shift involving two situations: 

  1. A person I care about makes what I perceive to be indirect, hurtful, angry comments from their public position of power.  I have shared my concerns with them to no avail. 
  2. Years ago, Patrick and I were in a situation where a company lied to us in an attempt to take our money.
  
The following “conversations” emerged within me after I woke from a dream regarding the first situation.  I quickly realized that I still harbored unforgiveness towards both situations. The following is a transcription of those “conversations.”

Conversation on “Person in Power”

Me: His intention is to shame me or whoever he feels anger towards.  This is okay?

Spirit: You are impacted by his words because you hold shame that existed before you encountered him.  Deal with your shame and his intention will not matter. Only God truly knows what is in a person’s heart and how it got there.  Maybe his intention is to vent his anger, transform his audience or hide personal fear.  Maybe as a child he learned it was safest to express his emotions indirectly.  From your perspective the bounds of “maybe’s” are endless and when you attempt to discern a person’s heart through your pain, you tell a narrow story of judgment often fueled by anger, bitterness, and fear.  

But let’s say you’re right and he intends to shame; for your purposes it does not matter. His intention is ultimately about him and his path (as is your intention about you and yours).  What matters is your primary emotion, your shame. Deal with that and notice that the intention of another only matters in so far as it gets you in touch with the pain that you have buried but need and want so desperately to heal.

Conversation on “Company of Liars and Thieves”

Me: But what about those who do seek to manipulate? Those specifically trained to take power away from others by backing them into corners and taking what is not theirs?

Spirit: Understand that is still a story you have developed for yourself.  But even if that is the case--  

In those situations, more than ever, you must remember that it is not personal, it is not about you. A corporation that seeks to manipulate is designed and led by those who feel it necessary to manipulate to survive or get what they want.  They do not understand the law of divine abundance.  They act from fear and pain.

In those moments, when you feel stuck and cannot get past the “intentional” manipulation, this is where grace enters. Gratefulness and grace.  

Conversation on Power and Grace

Spirit: How did you feel in the “Company of Liars and Thieves” situation?

Me: Powerless and helpless.

Spirit: Was this true? Were you truly powerless and helpless, or is this how you felt?

Me: I felt powerless.

Spirit: In what ways did you have power? Help?

Me: Patrick was with me. I was able to stand my ground, and I ultimately got my money back. 

Spirit: So is there anything for which you can be grateful?

Me: Yes! I ultimately got what I wanted, but it was such a hurtful process. I didn’t see it coming like I should have.

Spirit: Ahhhh, and this is where the need for grace enters.  How do you feel towards yourself? What feelings do you hold against yourself?

Me: Stupid, stupid, stupid…should’ve seen it coming!

Spirit: Attempt to grant yourself grace; the grace available
to you, allow it to flow through you. Trust that you did the best you could in the moment with the knowledge you had at that time. No one chooses to feel helpless or be manipulated in ways that they later regret. Regret is a hindsight emotion and thus it lacks grace. It assumes you could have/should have known thoughts, emotions, beliefs, intentions and motivations that you clearly lacked access to for whatever reason. Regret is what forms when you attempt to learn life’s lessons not with grace but with judgment.  You are Loved, not judged. God’s grace abounds for and within you.

My Carousel of Judgment

I see how my lack of self-forgiveness was the impetus of my unforgiveness towards others.   Shame and self-criticism fueled my judgments towards the “Person in Power” and “Company of Liars and Thieves.”  I judged myself for not learning, seeing, or knowing and then attempted to protect myself from the pain of my regret by heaping hot coals of anger on their heads.  Unfortunately, this immediate attempt to soothe my pain through judgment rather than healing, placed me in a habitual spin of secondary emotions-- anger, bitterness, and resentment.

How do I get off this thing?!

When we hold unforgiveness, we willingly hop on the Carousel of Judgment, give the emotional and/or physical controls to those we judge, and consider ourselves powerless.  To take back our power we can take small steps:

  • Without judgment, we can focus on and heal our primary emotions (e.g. hurt, fear, shame).
  • We can allow ourselves to recognize the grace available to us. We did what we could with what we had in the moment. 
  • I once read, “Hindsight is ‘what was I thinking?' and Kindsight is ‘what was I learning?’”  When stuck, we can find those nuggets of gratefulness, practice Kindsight, and thank God for the lessons.   
  • Always remember: Forgiveness is not about letting go of what happened to us. It’s about healing what’s happening within us.

    Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014. All rights reserved.

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Burning Bushes of Gratitude

11/19/2014

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12:15 am

Daughter: Mommyyyy!!!

Me: “If I lay really still, she’ll somehow sense I’m asleep, have mercy on my soul, lay down in her crib, and go back to sleep”

Daughter: “Moooooomyyyyyyy!!!

Me: *sigh* “No mercy for Mommy. Maybe Patrick will get up and go to her?!”

Turning to my partner for support I remember that his depth of sleep can withstand a parking garage full of car alarms during a thunder storm.

Daughter: …Mommyyyyyyyy…MommYYYY…MOMMY, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!”

I shuffle out of bed, into her darkened room and towards her outstretched arms.

Me: “No, Honey. It’s late, go back to sleep.”

Daughter: *moan* “Up, Mommy, uuup!” 

I kiss, lay her down and walk out.


5 shuffles to her room, 4 “You are My Sunshine” encores, 3 drinks of water, 2 meltdowns (her’s or mine, not quite sure), and 1 nonstop, FOUR HOUR marathon later, I was frustrated, exhausted and delirious.  4:45 am, white flag waving, I carried her to our bed where she fell asleep.

Tactics To Tissues

The next night, while scanning Facebook, I mentally prepared for the midnight battle of wills and whines. 

“She’ll cry it out a bit, hit the hay, and we’ll all get sleep!”  

The caption caught my eye: “Father Sings to His Dying Newborn Son.”  Tears streamed as I read how James Picco lost his wife, Ashley, soon after she delivered their son, Lennon, who was born 16-weeks early.  I watched as James sang “Blackbird” to his son just days before Lennon died. 

Later that night…

Autumn woke again.  This time, I rocked her, wept and thought about what such a moment would mean to James, Ashley and Lennon.  As we rocked, I pictured the Picco’s and thought,

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, for this moment, for her tiny body, her breath, her hands clutching my shirt, her warmth, and even her whine, now the most beautiful sound in the world.”

I Am Grateful Today

I read the beautiful words of thankfulness, blessings, and joy, James wrote to his Facebook friends; words expressing the love, honor and privilege he experienced while getting to know his precious gift… his son.

Then the following insights flooded my mind:

● There is ALWAYS something for which I can be grateful.  I truly believe I am loved by the Divine and anything that happens to me is for my highest good.  Even as the winds seem to assault my very essence, this wisdom allows me to authentically say, "thank you," in the midst of the storm.   

● When I am able to remember that wisdom flows through even my  most difficult  experiences, my body and mind are able to find stillness. Through this stillness I can focus my mid on thoughts which allow compassion, peace and gratefulness to fill my heart.  It is from this place that the gift of wisdom eventually fills my mind.

● It is not possible for both difficult emotions like envy and divine emotions like compassion to drive my thoughts at the same time. When one is present, the other must sit in the backseat. Which emotion occupies my drivers seat at any point in time is completely up to me.

● Gratefulness is a place where pain can be transformed into peace.   When difficult emotions get the best of me, I can enter the hall of gratefulness and with each courageous step watch the difficult emotions transform into blessings.

● During those dark hours when I cannot find the hallway of gratefulness, I can set the mood with music, state the intention, “I am grateful today” and wait for my body and mind to catch up to the claims of my Spirit.  

I Would Love The Company!

What would change if we took time each day to “peace, be still” the busy parts of ourselves, align them with the Divine and express gratitude in the moment? 

Someone once said, “The bush was burning the whole time, Moses was the only one going slow enough to see it.” I see the bush as the many blessings with which we are gifted every moment of every day. In memory of Lennon and Ashley, I plan to keep a gratitude journal for at least one month.  Each day I will slow down and see the multitude of burning bushes in my life.  

Will you join me?


Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014. All rights reserved.

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Book Journey 1: A Dirty Dishrag Like Me

9/2/2014

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“Relative to God, we are like dirty dishrags!” The words from the Baptist pastor hit my ears like the shattering of fine crystal, and were followed by words like, “unworthy,” “less than,” and “dark.”


Leaving the sanctuary, instead of floating out with a renewed sense of faith and passion, I was dragging under the heavy weight of difficult emotions; outrage, confusion and even shame, simmering within me.  I wondered, “Does God share this respected man’s perspective? If so, why would God spend any time with us humans? With me, especially?  I mean, if the average person is a ‘dirty dishrag…’” I pondered as I cycled through the sins of my life, “how could a God that supposedly loved me—supposedly, unconditionally loved me— possibly share this perspective? 

“NO!,” yelled the Outraged part of myself in deep protest. “He is WRONG!

“But,” whispered the Shame toting part of me.  “What if you are just hanging onto wishful thinking?  What if in the eyes of God, we are only fit for...dirty dishes?”


READ WHAT BY WHEN?!?!

“The entire Bible, in six months…let’s do it!” I found myself typing these words to my Facebook friends.  For years prior, I felt a deep conviction to “Big K-Know” the Bible. However; for years, my reaction to this task had been one of dread.  From my perspective the Bible had all the trappings of a book that I was least likely to finish: it is reeeally thick; has small words, and thin, I mean, tissue paper thin, pages.  Also, one college degree and two graduate degrees taught me well how to read for the gist vs the depth.  I feared pooping out within the first week and having to drag myself across the finish line… if I finished at all! 

Finally, like Jonah in the whale, I gave up and decided to extend the “Bible Challenge” invitation to my Facebook friends.  One actually took the bait.  In the end, we developed a group and attracted over 100 people.


DISHRAG BE DAMNED!

Despite my anxiety, once I set the intention and had “friends” backing me, something happened; I began to feel an enduring joy related to the task.  Every night, I retreated to my bedroom and read the scheduled lesson.  And each night I felt a renewed sense of wonder and excitement.  Stories and Bible verses seemed to leap off the page, deep insights seemed to glow before me and mental images seemed to further deepen and enliven my experience. 

For the first time, I understood what people meant when they called the Bible the "living word."  Indeed, this book was now bursting at the seams with life!  I couldn't write my insights and questions down fast enough; insights about wisdom, humility, stillness and meditation, compassion, "fear" of God, God within us…wait, what?

God within us?

There it was plain as day, Luke 17:20-21, “The kingdom of God is within you.” 

My Shame based part was up for the debate: “But dirty, unworthy, dark dishrags!”

“You are a little less than the angels” (Psalm 8:5).

“But dirty, unworthy, dark. . .”

“You are fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14).

“But dirty, unworthy--”

“You are Treasures” (2 Corinthians 4:7).

“But dirty--”

“You are the image of God” (Genesis 1:27)


“But--”

“You are of God!” (1 John 4:4). 


IT’S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW.

I did not know it at the time, but these words, these sources of balm for my soul, were only the beginning…only the initial seeds of grace that would ultimately lead to my shedding of shame and the “dirty dishrag” theory; seeds that once planted, would gift me with the recognition and reclaiming of My Forgotten Self.

READ Book Journey Part 2: When God Smiles


© My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014. All rights reserved

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    Intention

    My intention in writing this blog is to inspire you to fully embrace your youryydivine worth; fearlessly live your yosoul's purpose; and faithfully encourage others to do the same.

    I truly hope you enjoy your time here!

    Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved.

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