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Who's Driving You? 3 Powerful Lessons on Success, Surrender & Self-Awareness

10/17/2015

3 Comments

 
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Forgotten Self-False Self
Inspired art transforms the artist. ~Lynyetta G. Willis, PhD
After writing, My Forgotten Self, I thought it was my job to mold the text into what it needed to be; however, over time I realized that I was being molded as I gained a deeper awareness of--

my forgotten Self--the spiritual part of me that is who I was created to be; the carrier of my divine DNA.

And

my false self or ego--those well-intentioned parts of me that seek to protect and promote who I think I am.


My initial reaction to this awareness was to eject my false self from my car of consciousness. It always seemed determined to bring it's friends: fear, anger, regret, and self-consciousness along for the ride.  However, I've learned that my attempts to eject my false self only created more problems and exhaustion (think Hercules  chopping a head off of the hydra beast only to realize that 2 more heads emerged in its place...ugh). 

Over time, I realized that my false and forgotten selves can co-exist within my car of consciousness. The remedy did not require that I waste energy ejecting (or head slicing); but that I become more aware of which self--false or forgotten--is driving. I now know that my false self is not bad, it's short-sighted or often afraid. 


When we recognize that our false self is driving, 3 key lessons can aid us in surrendering the wheel (or our will) to our forgotten self. For most of us, this surrendering process feels continuous but when it occurs, our potential destinations are limitless.

False Self Joy Ride
Last month, while taking part in the Decatur Book Festival, my dear friend and volunteer, Nicole, laughed when I told her I only brought 100 copies of my new children’s book, My Forgotten Self, to sell--

Nicole:  Yeeeeah, that’s not enough. You’re gonna to sell out.
Me: Yeah right, there are so many children’s vendors here. I‘ll be lucky if I sell 50 copies.

Ultimately, Nicole was right! I sold out, and had to take pre-orders from additional customers who read the demo copy. I was astonished!  I became so full watching parents and children marvel over the illustrations, develop an emotional connection to Tiev’s tale and express a deep resonance with the books message.  I received so many leads about churches, schools and organizations that would love and needed this book.  I felt honored to listen to stories from those who felt like Tiev at some point in their lives. The lines forming at my booth of children and parents awaiting their first read or purchase of my book excited me!

During the festival, I floated on a cloud.  Sadly, when I arrived home, my cloud dissolved as I was hit with a harsh realization:

I didn’t get any customer email addresses for follow-up. That was my tribe, my audience and I let them walk away! WHY didn’t I think of this?!?

I spent the next three weeks frustrated with myself. Nothing soothed me, not the “Thank you for sharing your book with the world!” Facebook posts; the email from a mother asking permission to paint a quote from the book on her daughter’s wall; the psychologist who purchased a copy and asked to receive it as soon as possible for her client. While these moments satisfied me briefly, the memory of “the royal screw up” smothered my joy with frustration.
 
My thoughts--How could you forget?!–made it difficult to rest in the awesomeness of what was happening:

A book was born through me and enjoyed by so many. People understood its message and integrated it into the lives of their most valuable treasures—their children.


Who's in the Driver's Seat?
I recently came across an article by spiritual teacher, Dr. Wayne Dyer who transitioned last month.  The article is about living ones purpose:

"…if you’re motivated to be of service to others while being authentically detached from the outcome, you’ll feel on purpose, regardless of how much abundance flows back to you.  Allow yourself to be in the feeling place within you that’s unconcerned with such things as vocational choices or doing the things you were destined to do."  ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

When My Forgotten Self was divinely gifted to me I thought,

“I am going to publish this book, not for glory but because this is my role in the life of this tale.  Whether it is enjoyed by one reader or a million is not my concern. Thy (God’s) will be done.”

After the Decatur Book Festival, my false self, hopped into the driver’s seat.  My thoughts transformed from,

“thy will” into “my will...my customers...my audience...my tribe…” 

Fear, frustration, regret and desire propelled my actions; my peace and joy became aligned with my false self’s short-sighted view of success. As Dr. Dyer cautions against, I became attached to the outcome of this journey.  I now remember, this is God’s book and God decides what it should accomplish. I can now chuckle at the irony that as a writer of a book about our inherent self-worth, I began to tightly coil my self-worth and success around the momentum of that very book!


True Self Takes the Wheel with 3 Powerful Lessons
Once I realized that my false self was driving, through meditation, I sat still and requested guidance on how to realign with qualities of my true forgotten self—courage, curiosity, clarity, creativity.  I was guided back to My Forgotten Self (the book :-) ) and 3 important lessons:

1.  Tiev learns that she possesses within her, a divine source of power and  
     guidance.

Within you rests a spiritual GPS guided by spirit.  Set your intentions, remember that all is in perfect divine order and follow your spiritual guide. 

2.  Tiev learns that she is treasured and loved by Love Itself.
No ego-driven measure of success like book sales make you worthy; you are already there. Your worth is not a product of what you produce; it is a product of your divine DNA. You exist because you are enough. You are enough because you exist!

3.  Tiev becomes discouraged by the limiting beliefs of those around her.
Your visions have limits, your soul does not. Sometimes, we become anxious, afraid and discouraged by mistaking our limited view of reality for all that is and all that we are equipped to handle. Remember, as far as you (or others) can see does not mark the end of the road.    


I Remember...
My Forgotten Self is a divinely inspired work. Though I am committed to its journey, it is God’s creation and I surrender it to God. If it’s a NY Times bestseller—great! If not, that’s okay also.  I release all outcome expectations, commit to following my spiritual GPS and enjoying the ride.  When I become anxious, I will remember—Thy Will Be Done.  And so it is.

How About You?
1. To what measure of success is your self-worth bound—children, career, relationships?
2. What outcome expectations can you release?
3. What fears, doubts, or limiting beliefs hold you back?
4. What stories of disappointment and regret block you from viewing your blessings?
5. Do you know that you are worthy? Treasured? Loved? Enough? (because you are ;-) )
6. What is your “I remember” statement?

Comment below! I'd love to hear from you. :-D

Namaste!
Don’t forget to subscribe to this blog. Also, check out my Facebook page and "Like" it to receive helpful insights and updates!


Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved
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4-Step Guide to Setting Spiritually Aligned Boundaries 

7/2/2015

1 Comment

 
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“Whatever! This is why I don’t trust people.”

“She did that on purpose and I don’t associate with manipulative people.”

“I want nothing to do with you and I’ll never forgive you!”



The above phrases, often yelled or whispered, are signs that we’ve erected defensive boundaries—the emotional, physical and mental barriers we erect to protect and remain safe; they often involve running from emotional pain, striking back, or ejecting people we dislike from our lives.

While the understandable erection of defensive boundaries briefly minimizes pain, we still find ourselves constantly thinking about the relationship; expending energy to avoid the person; or pretending we are not hurt. 

To be clear, boundaries in relationships are important, yet, our intentions behind those boundaries determine their effectiveness.  Instead of running away, striking back, or rejecting, we can choose to heal, learn and grow through enlightened boundaries— standards or limits set with the intention of increasing self-awareness, accepting ‘what is’ (not to be confused with agreement) and maintaining spiritual alignment. Enlightened boundaries may involve distancing similar to that we see with defensive boundaries; however, their impact on us is very different.


Self-Awareness, Acceptance, and Spiritual Growth
Many of us find that defensive boundary setting provides only temporary relief.  Such boundaries rely upon avoiding pain to function.   If everything concerning the pain-triggering person stays out of our awareness, we are fine.  If, on the other hand, that person walks into a room or sends an email our defensive boundaries crumble like stale bread; anger and bitterness well up like wildfire as our pain points are triggered. Enlightened boundaries, are not about running away from pain; they are about running towards the freedom gained by becoming aware of and accepting realities within ourselves.

As we grow in our ability to accept and gain awareness of our thoughts, emotions and relationship needs, we increase our ability to remain aligned with our Divine Self.  Eventually, we reach a place where we can non-judgmentally, maintain spiritual power and perspective while in the same room with those who may be less aware of theirs. For more guidance on maintaining spiritual power in hurtful relationships, read Three Questions to Keep Your Spiritual Streams Flowing in Hurtful Relationships.


Maintenance of enlightened boundaries creates the distance you need to increase self-awareness; allows you to discern your needs through non-judgment and acceptance; helps you to maintain your alignment with Spirit; and enhances your ability to sustain spiritual power regardless of who you are around. 
1. Determine which relationships could benefit from an enlightened boundary. 
Who do you become or how do you show up when you engage in this relationship?

Do you become angry? Do you shut down or minimize yourself?

Do you feel energetically drained or confused after interacting with this person? 

2. Make enlightened boundary statements. 
You must become aware of and accept your boundaries before you can teach others to honor them. The following statements can grant insight into your specific needs in relationships:

a) I am aware of and accept that for me to be able to fully receive AND fully give in a relationship, [respect] must be present.

b) I am aware of and accept that when I am in a relationship where [respect] is present:
[We wait for each other to finish speaking before we speak.] 
[We speak with calm (vs raised) voices.]

c) I am aware of and accept that when I engage in relationships where [respect] is absent I do not function well. I become [bitter, cynical and tense].

d) I am aware of and accept that I have limits in terms of what I will give and what I will accept in relationships that lack [respect]. 

e) My limits are: [yelling] is not okay and when you [yell], I will leave the room to honor my boundary and allow myself to keep true to my standards (e.g. not yell back).

Complete these statements for each quality (e.g. trust, compassion) you need to be present in your healthy relationships. Fill the [ ] with your own thoughts and feelings.

3. Express and Reclaim.
When we feel hurt, our anger or outrage can ineffectively explode onto those who trigger our pain.  However, ignoring the anger may only make it worse.  Before engaging the person to express your boundary, write or talk about the anger with a friend. Then reclaim the energy through meditation, going for a walk in nature, writing in a gratefulness journal, and calmly practicing your statements. 


4. Reflect and check. 
Appropriate boundaries create integrity
(Jewish Proverb).  When we are operating from defensive boundaries, we often find ourselves saying and doing things that go against our personal truth and standards.  As you enforce enlightened boundaries, reflect on your conversation and check your motivations.
If you answer, yes, to either question below, you likely slipped into defensive boundary mode:

Were my words motivated by anger or fear? 
Did I violate my own standards during this communication?
 

When you become more self-aware, enlightened boundaries increase your connection to Divine Self by enhancing your integrity; they do not compromise or diminish it.
 

Set Your Enlightened Boundaries
Self-Compassion Required
We are not perfect.  Learning to operate from an enlightened boundary paradigm, can take time.  When you find yourself reacting versus responding or not adhering to your own standards, practice self-compassion and ask:

What gift of self-awareness is my reaction carrying?
What pain point from my past is being triggered?
What do I need to heal?


Points to Remember
  • Set specific limits to increase the likelihood those limits will be honored.  There is a difference between “respect me” (vague) and “do not yell at me” (specific).
  • Stay on topic by communicating your limits in a smooth tone without over-explaining and defensive speech. A clear and specific boundary can be communicated in 1-2 sentences. 
  • If a boundary is crossed, use the broken record technique, restate your phrases calmly until you are heard or need to enact a consequence (e.g. I will leave the room).  
  • The best way to communicate a boundary is to model it and follow it. If you set a boundary against name calling, do not name call.  When you give a consequence, follow through.
  • You should not remain in hurtful circumstances. It’s perfectly okay and strongly suggested that you set boundaries. According to Brené Brown, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” You can set limits and respect someone as a divine creation.
How do you set and maintain boundaries in your relationships? I’d love to hear from you! Comment below!
Namaste!

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Want to learn more about the power of self-awareness in the healing process? Read Lessons from the Ashes, Part 1: Self-Awareness
Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved
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Divine Conversations on Forgiveness

12/2/2014

3 Comments

 
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My journey to forgiveness has been long and at times, laborious.  Recently, I felt a shift involving two situations: 

  1. A person I care about makes what I perceive to be indirect, hurtful, angry comments from their public position of power.  I have shared my concerns with them to no avail. 
  2. Years ago, Patrick and I were in a situation where a company lied to us in an attempt to take our money.
  
The following “conversations” emerged within me after I woke from a dream regarding the first situation.  I quickly realized that I still harbored unforgiveness towards both situations. The following is a transcription of those “conversations.”

Conversation on “Person in Power”

Me: His intention is to shame me or whoever he feels anger towards.  This is okay?

Spirit: You are impacted by his words because you hold shame that existed before you encountered him.  Deal with your shame and his intention will not matter. Only God truly knows what is in a person’s heart and how it got there.  Maybe his intention is to vent his anger, transform his audience or hide personal fear.  Maybe as a child he learned it was safest to express his emotions indirectly.  From your perspective the bounds of “maybe’s” are endless and when you attempt to discern a person’s heart through your pain, you tell a narrow story of judgment often fueled by anger, bitterness, and fear.  

But let’s say you’re right and he intends to shame; for your purposes it does not matter. His intention is ultimately about him and his path (as is your intention about you and yours).  What matters is your primary emotion, your shame. Deal with that and notice that the intention of another only matters in so far as it gets you in touch with the pain that you have buried but need and want so desperately to heal.

Conversation on “Company of Liars and Thieves”

Me: But what about those who do seek to manipulate? Those specifically trained to take power away from others by backing them into corners and taking what is not theirs?

Spirit: Understand that is still a story you have developed for yourself.  But even if that is the case--  

In those situations, more than ever, you must remember that it is not personal, it is not about you. A corporation that seeks to manipulate is designed and led by those who feel it necessary to manipulate to survive or get what they want.  They do not understand the law of divine abundance.  They act from fear and pain.

In those moments, when you feel stuck and cannot get past the “intentional” manipulation, this is where grace enters. Gratefulness and grace.  

Conversation on Power and Grace

Spirit: How did you feel in the “Company of Liars and Thieves” situation?

Me: Powerless and helpless.

Spirit: Was this true? Were you truly powerless and helpless, or is this how you felt?

Me: I felt powerless.

Spirit: In what ways did you have power? Help?

Me: Patrick was with me. I was able to stand my ground, and I ultimately got my money back. 

Spirit: So is there anything for which you can be grateful?

Me: Yes! I ultimately got what I wanted, but it was such a hurtful process. I didn’t see it coming like I should have.

Spirit: Ahhhh, and this is where the need for grace enters.  How do you feel towards yourself? What feelings do you hold against yourself?

Me: Stupid, stupid, stupid…should’ve seen it coming!

Spirit: Attempt to grant yourself grace; the grace available
to you, allow it to flow through you. Trust that you did the best you could in the moment with the knowledge you had at that time. No one chooses to feel helpless or be manipulated in ways that they later regret. Regret is a hindsight emotion and thus it lacks grace. It assumes you could have/should have known thoughts, emotions, beliefs, intentions and motivations that you clearly lacked access to for whatever reason. Regret is what forms when you attempt to learn life’s lessons not with grace but with judgment.  You are Loved, not judged. God’s grace abounds for and within you.

My Carousel of Judgment

I see how my lack of self-forgiveness was the impetus of my unforgiveness towards others.   Shame and self-criticism fueled my judgments towards the “Person in Power” and “Company of Liars and Thieves.”  I judged myself for not learning, seeing, or knowing and then attempted to protect myself from the pain of my regret by heaping hot coals of anger on their heads.  Unfortunately, this immediate attempt to soothe my pain through judgment rather than healing, placed me in a habitual spin of secondary emotions-- anger, bitterness, and resentment.

How do I get off this thing?!

When we hold unforgiveness, we willingly hop on the Carousel of Judgment, give the emotional and/or physical controls to those we judge, and consider ourselves powerless.  To take back our power we can take small steps:

  • Without judgment, we can focus on and heal our primary emotions (e.g. hurt, fear, shame).
  • We can allow ourselves to recognize the grace available to us. We did what we could with what we had in the moment. 
  • I once read, “Hindsight is ‘what was I thinking?' and Kindsight is ‘what was I learning?’”  When stuck, we can find those nuggets of gratefulness, practice Kindsight, and thank God for the lessons.   
  • Always remember: Forgiveness is not about letting go of what happened to us. It’s about healing what’s happening within us.

    Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014. All rights reserved.

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Burning Bushes of Gratitude

11/19/2014

0 Comments

 
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12:15 am

Daughter: Mommyyyy!!!

Me: “If I lay really still, she’ll somehow sense I’m asleep, have mercy on my soul, lay down in her crib, and go back to sleep”

Daughter: “Moooooomyyyyyyy!!!

Me: *sigh* “No mercy for Mommy. Maybe Patrick will get up and go to her?!”

Turning to my partner for support I remember that his depth of sleep can withstand a parking garage full of car alarms during a thunder storm.

Daughter: …Mommyyyyyyyy…MommYYYY…MOMMY, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!”

I shuffle out of bed, into her darkened room and towards her outstretched arms.

Me: “No, Honey. It’s late, go back to sleep.”

Daughter: *moan* “Up, Mommy, uuup!” 

I kiss, lay her down and walk out.


5 shuffles to her room, 4 “You are My Sunshine” encores, 3 drinks of water, 2 meltdowns (her’s or mine, not quite sure), and 1 nonstop, FOUR HOUR marathon later, I was frustrated, exhausted and delirious.  4:45 am, white flag waving, I carried her to our bed where she fell asleep.

Tactics To Tissues

The next night, while scanning Facebook, I mentally prepared for the midnight battle of wills and whines. 

“She’ll cry it out a bit, hit the hay, and we’ll all get sleep!”  

The caption caught my eye: “Father Sings to His Dying Newborn Son.”  Tears streamed as I read how James Picco lost his wife, Ashley, soon after she delivered their son, Lennon, who was born 16-weeks early.  I watched as James sang “Blackbird” to his son just days before Lennon died. 

Later that night…

Autumn woke again.  This time, I rocked her, wept and thought about what such a moment would mean to James, Ashley and Lennon.  As we rocked, I pictured the Picco’s and thought,

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, for this moment, for her tiny body, her breath, her hands clutching my shirt, her warmth, and even her whine, now the most beautiful sound in the world.”

I Am Grateful Today

I read the beautiful words of thankfulness, blessings, and joy, James wrote to his Facebook friends; words expressing the love, honor and privilege he experienced while getting to know his precious gift… his son.

Then the following insights flooded my mind:

● There is ALWAYS something for which I can be grateful.  I truly believe I am loved by the Divine and anything that happens to me is for my highest good.  Even as the winds seem to assault my very essence, this wisdom allows me to authentically say, "thank you," in the midst of the storm.   

● When I am able to remember that wisdom flows through even my  most difficult  experiences, my body and mind are able to find stillness. Through this stillness I can focus my mid on thoughts which allow compassion, peace and gratefulness to fill my heart.  It is from this place that the gift of wisdom eventually fills my mind.

● It is not possible for both difficult emotions like envy and divine emotions like compassion to drive my thoughts at the same time. When one is present, the other must sit in the backseat. Which emotion occupies my drivers seat at any point in time is completely up to me.

● Gratefulness is a place where pain can be transformed into peace.   When difficult emotions get the best of me, I can enter the hall of gratefulness and with each courageous step watch the difficult emotions transform into blessings.

● During those dark hours when I cannot find the hallway of gratefulness, I can set the mood with music, state the intention, “I am grateful today” and wait for my body and mind to catch up to the claims of my Spirit.  

I Would Love The Company!

What would change if we took time each day to “peace, be still” the busy parts of ourselves, align them with the Divine and express gratitude in the moment? 

Someone once said, “The bush was burning the whole time, Moses was the only one going slow enough to see it.” I see the bush as the many blessings with which we are gifted every moment of every day. In memory of Lennon and Ashley, I plan to keep a gratitude journal for at least one month.  Each day I will slow down and see the multitude of burning bushes in my life.  

Will you join me?


Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014. All rights reserved.

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Paths to Purpose

11/6/2014

2 Comments

 
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“You are purposed to speak about spiritual concepts in a way that allows people to understand them on a deeper level… though you will ultimately reach this goal, your path will be longer because you are held back by your fears.”   This was shared with me by a stranger approximately eight years ago.   Ironically, the very fears he named limited my ability to even consider the unfamiliar path of which he spoke.       

Pre-Approval Required
In life, I have traveled along pre-approved paths:

  • Head up Education Parkway (An expensive toll road; don't linger and don't get lost.)
  • Make a right on Marriage Avenue (The first mile is a doozey, but mostly rolling hills and a few sharp turns after that.)
  • Take that down to Career Highway (You'll be on that for a while.)
  • Then exit onto Babies Boulevard (New construction; travel with care, it gets bumpy at times.)

I love and honor these paths.  They’ve brought me joy and helped form who I am.  With that said, they are relatively safe.  They were pre-approved by my family; opportunities and privileges made them available; and maps have been drawn and followed by those before me.  Sure, I saw potential detours along the way (e.g. Seminary Street; Travel Abroad Trail), but the sweet lull of safety and predictability kept me moving forward. 

Tour Guides and Tea
In recent years, the pre-approved paths have given way to unfamiliar terrain.  Last month, I was led to fly to Houston, Texas to visit friends and attend “Oprah’s The Life You Want Weekend Tour.”   All attendees were asked to list visions for “the life [we] truly want.”  What follows is the vision that broke forth:
                                                                            
I have no map or guide, only a light within me that ironically I can see clearest when I slow my pace, close my eyes and focus inward versus ahead.   With my eyes closed, I awaken to the life I truly want.  In my vision, I see the divinely inspired book, My Forgotten Self, published (and many others to follow).  I see myself fully awakened to the Divine Essence within us all. I see hundreds
-- no, thousands of people before me listening not to me but to that which pours through me. I can actually see Christ’s light emanating from everyone.  I speak to people, helping them to see who God created them to be—the Spiritual Self that has been forgotten.  I see people awakening to this Self, seeing It in themselves and everyone around them.  I see myself engaging my children, my husband, my friends, not with fatigue in my eyes, but filled with light and laughter; fully able to enjoy their presence because I am fully present. 

I asked Spirit to order my steps towards this reality and the vision I received was of a cup not filled with more, but less! It was filled with my family, friends, writing, self-care (food, exercise), meditation, laughter, intention, surrender, energy, openness, gratefulness and of course, tea.  That’s it? WOW!  This weekend, Oprah and the Trailblazers helped me to realize that there are other paths; paths not yet cleared or approved that I can travel. 


After the conference as I sat in my hotel room I came to an awareness that parts of me were excited to jump on these paths to my purpose but needed my permission.  The next morning, I awakened with their permission slip signed!  I am traveling off-road!  I am ready to awaken those parts of myself minimized and held down by fear, unworthiness, busyness, distraction and inaction. I am ready to “awaken to the life I TRULY want!”  Are you?

What is your vision?
Down what path is God leading you? What fears are posing as roadblocks? Comment below; in a journal; or with others.  However you choose to do it, state your vision loud and clear. Dig deep!  Explore your passions, desires, and skills.  Above all, set the intention, hold the vision and trust the process.


Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014. All rights reserved.

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    Intention

    My intention in writing this blog is to inspire you to fully embrace your youryydivine worth; fearlessly live your yosoul's purpose; and faithfully encourage others to do the same.

    I truly hope you enjoy your time here!

    Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved.

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