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 | In one or more areas of your life: Are you functioning but lack fulfillment? Are you functioning but find your day-to-day commitments are not feeding your soul? Are you functioning but consistently stressed and depressed, seldom your best? |
Balancing Functioning and Fatigue
Over the years, as a psychologist, I have worked with hundreds of people who felt generally stuck; they lacked fulfillment, clarity, or the momentum necessary to make changes they desperately desired. They functioned day-to-day but lived with a deep sense of emptiness and longed for something greater. Over the years, I began using a phrase to describe this state to people with whom I worked:
Stable Misery—
Stable Misery—
A balance between basic functioning and spiritual, mental, emotional, and/or physical fatigue.
We experience misery, when our activities, relationships or thoughts are out of alignment with our higher selves and drain us of our precious energy. We are able to remain stable (i.e. function) by plugging holes and stopping the energy drains. More specifically, we slowly, subtly (and often outside of our awareness) facilitate avoidance or numbing of our miserable state with things like food, sex, drugs, work, or reality tv shows.
We experience misery, when our activities, relationships or thoughts are out of alignment with our higher selves and drain us of our precious energy. We are able to remain stable (i.e. function) by plugging holes and stopping the energy drains. More specifically, we slowly, subtly (and often outside of our awareness) facilitate avoidance or numbing of our miserable state with things like food, sex, drugs, work, or reality tv shows.
5 Maintainers of Misery
1. "One bad choice always leads to another."
After witnessing many of my clients in stable misery, I began to notice that this stuck-ness was often maintained by 5 beliefs.
We sometimes develop a belief that a change will cause a horrible end to our life as we know it. This fear can paralyze us.
Take a moment to ask yourself:
What is the absolute worst thing that can happen if I make this change?
On a scale from 1-10, what is the likelihood that this “worst thing” will actually happen?
Can I do things beforehand to protect myself from this or other potentially unwanted consequences?
Lastly, share your concerns with someone you trust. Having someone mirror our fears back to us can illuminate their improbability or help us find ways to minimize the feared outcome.
Take a moment to ask yourself:
What is the absolute worst thing that can happen if I make this change?
On a scale from 1-10, what is the likelihood that this “worst thing” will actually happen?
Can I do things beforehand to protect myself from this or other potentially unwanted consequences?
Lastly, share your concerns with someone you trust. Having someone mirror our fears back to us can illuminate their improbability or help us find ways to minimize the feared outcome.
2. "Change is baaaad!"
In truth, choices bring us closer to what we really want. Whenever we realize that we’ve made an unhelpful decision, we've just learned something. Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed, I just found 10,000 ways that won't work." By gaining a clearer sense of what doesn't work, we narrow our options and clarify what will.
In addition, we often view change in terms of all-the-way or no way. Instead, start with a small step towards a potential change to determine if it’s really for you. For example, if you want to leave your job and start a bakery business, begin by researching and making a list of requirements (e.g. financial, time). Wake up early, bake for your co-workers and ask for feedback.
In addition, we often view change in terms of all-the-way or no way. Instead, start with a small step towards a potential change to determine if it’s really for you. For example, if you want to leave your job and start a bakery business, begin by researching and making a list of requirements (e.g. financial, time). Wake up early, bake for your co-workers and ask for feedback.
3. "I'm not good enough. I don't deserve better."
Sometimes we remain in stable misery because we believe we deserve what we are experiencing. We don't think we deserve fulfillment, joy or success. However, your restlessness or lack of fulfillment may be “nudgings” from that part of you that knows you are worthy and deserving of fulfillment. We all possess different gifts and purposes; you may be unfulfilled because you are out of alignment with your soul’s purpose.
4. "If I can't do it perfectly, it's not worth doing at all."
Sometimes we believe that attempts to free ourselves from stable misery will be ridiculed and minimized. We fear that we will FAIL, letting ourselves and everyone else down; as a result we work to make a perfect plan prior to acting on any plan. The truth is that failure is a matter of perspective. There are lessons to be learned from each and every experience we have. Instead of waiting for the “perfect” conditions to arise, tell yourself:
I am the perfect person to be in this perfect place at this perfect time for a perfect purpose.
I am open to learning a perfect lesson in this perfect moment.
Approach your experiences, with curiosity, openness and self-compassion and watch “failures” transform into lessons and opportunities.
I am the perfect person to be in this perfect place at this perfect time for a perfect purpose.
I am open to learning a perfect lesson in this perfect moment.
Approach your experiences, with curiosity, openness and self-compassion and watch “failures” transform into lessons and opportunities.
5. "This devil is better than the one I don't know."
I have had many clients tell me “Doc, I stay in this [relationship/situation/job etc] because it’s better to be with the devil you know than the one you don’t.” They remain in stable misery because they fear the unknown, believing a certain miserable state is better than an uncertain future. If this fear holds you back, ask yourself, “what is my end game?” If it is to live life suffering and unfulfilled, then PERFECT! You’re in the right place. If, however, you desire a sense of fulfillment and alignment, you should reconsider your approach.
No version of our potential future is certain but our current circumstances can be a good predictor. If you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unfulfilled today, and do nothing to change that, you will likely feel that way tomorrow. Consider your end game and choose to make small shifts to bring you closer to your desired outcome, purpose or vision.
No version of our potential future is certain but our current circumstances can be a good predictor. If you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unfulfilled today, and do nothing to change that, you will likely feel that way tomorrow. Consider your end game and choose to make small shifts to bring you closer to your desired outcome, purpose or vision.
Keep Your Eyes on the Sea
We were all created for a purpose and are not meant to live spiritually, emotionally, or mentally miserable lives. We cannot always choose our circumstances but we can choose to improve them by shifting our perspective, learning from our choices, considering our end game, sharing our concerns with friends and considering that our restlessness may have an invaluable message for us.
Stable misery tricks us into believing that the puddle is as fulfilling as the sea. We no longer strive for the sea and sometimes forget it even exists. By seeking freedom from stable misery, we can once again see our lives as the seas of possibilities they are!
What other beliefs can hold us in stable misery?
Have you ever been in stable misery? How did you cope?
Are you in stable misery in one or more areas of your life? What is one small change you can make today to advance towards your sea of possibilities?
Comment below, I'd love to hear from you!
Stable misery tricks us into believing that the puddle is as fulfilling as the sea. We no longer strive for the sea and sometimes forget it even exists. By seeking freedom from stable misery, we can once again see our lives as the seas of possibilities they are!
What other beliefs can hold us in stable misery?
Have you ever been in stable misery? How did you cope?
Are you in stable misery in one or more areas of your life? What is one small change you can make today to advance towards your sea of possibilities?
Comment below, I'd love to hear from you!
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