MY FORGOTTEN SELF - My Forgotten Self - A Children's Book

Moment by Moment

1/7/2017

I wrote this poem during a meditation wherein I was seeking guidance and clarity. Can you relate to these questions? Do the answers I received resonate with you?

How do I love?
How do I live?
Care for others?
How do I give?
~
Moment by moment
Choice by choice
Listen to Spirit, the still small voice
~
How do I change?
How do I commit?
How do I soar?
Climb out of the pit?
~
Moment by moment
Choice by choice
Listen to Spirit, the still small voice
~
How do I grow wise?
How do I be still?
Consciously exercise my will?
~
Moment by moment
Choice by choice
Listen to Spirit, the still small voice
~
How do I master?
How do I awaken?
Get past those moments that leave me most shaken?
~
Moment by moment
Choice by choice
Listen to Spirit, the still small voice
~
How do I forgive?
Speak my deep truth?
Grow in my faith with limited proof?
~
Moment by moment
Choice by choice
Listen to Spirit, the still small voice
~
Open my heart when pain takes quick aim?
Push through and grow when buried in shame?
~
Moment by moment
Choice by choice
Listen to Spirit, the still small voice
~
How do I remove limits and let my light shine?
Dissolve those boundaries between yours and mine?
~
Moment by moment
Choice by choice
Listen to Spirit, the still small voice
~
How do I listen?
How do I hear?
Stay focused and open year after year?
Walk into the dark, ankles shackled with fear?
Which way do you turn when nothing seems clear?
~
You listen in silence.
You hear with your heart.
Fear is no enemy, its your protective part.
Acknowledge and listen to its tale and concern; fill your soul with compassion, you'll be amazed what you learn.
Clarity is here, always in your midst. Drop the lie that obscures it; embrace Truth that best fits.
~
Beloved, when all else fails be still and rejoice, here comes a new moment to make a new choice. Choose to seek oneness with the still small voice.

Lynyetta G. Willis, PhD #MyForgottenSelf c.2017

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5 Dimensions of Self-Love: A Practical Guide on Modeling for Our Children

9/4/2016

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As caregivers (mom's, dad's, teachers, aunt's, uncle's, nanny's, grandparent's etc) we would never think to encourage our children to run themselves ragged or ignore the pleas of their bodies, minds, and spirits in the name of "productivity" or "care for others." However, we do this each time we model such behaviors for our children.

In my article of the August/September issue of Creations Magazine, I write about 5 dimensions of self-love that we can gift to ourselves and model for our children because no matter how many positive words, compliments, and enriching experiences we flood our children with, our behaviors are their greatest teachers. When we model self-love for our children, we not only teach them to honor themselves and others, but we awaken our potential to relate to them from the core of our best, highest selves.

Comment below! I'd love to hear from you. :-D
Namaste!

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Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2017. All rights reserved

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Lessons from the Potter's Wheel: 4 Mental Shifts to Help You Emotionally Recenter

5/12/2016

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Our natural, resting state is one of centered calmness. Yet, it seems that life's circumstances often throw us off balance:

An email relays disappointing news.
Someone's poor planning requires that your schedule change.
A rude comment or driver triggers your insecurity or anger.

In an unlikely place, my first pottery class, I learned 4 lessons and specific mental shifts we can make to regain balance when we feel off-center.

Class #1: Perfectly Centered
We were given two basic instructions:
1. Grab a ball of clay and slap it on the wheel.
2. “Center” the clay or mold the clay dead center on the wheel.

“Centering sets the foundation of the pot" we were told. "A pot is only as strong as its centering." The instructor effortlessly demonstrated and I perfectly centered my clay.

Class #2: Perfectly Lopsided
During the second class, I overheard the following:

Student (gritting teeth): “Centering is so HARD!”
Instructor: “Yes, it's often the most difficult step to learn.”

I didn’t realize it, but that short conversation deeply impacted me. I gave my fellow student a sympathetic glance, turned to center my first ball of clay for the day, and ended up with a lopsided mess. After my second attempt, I ended with a perfectly straight…mess. After my third attempt, I’m pretty sure some of my mess flew onto my neighbor’s wheel. With each attempt...and utter failure... my ego grew bigger and more irate. WHAT CHANGED?! The week before, I was centering like a pro and now I was, accidentally, high-fiving my neighbor with wet clay balls. I left feeling discouraged and frustrated.

Class #3: Perfectly Clear
During the third class my instructor unwittingly solved my mystery. As I prepped my mind to conquer my clay, I heard the following:

“You cannot center if you are not centered.”

I whirled around and announced, “there's a life lesson in that!”

FINAL EXAM from the Wheel
I've since discerned 4 life lessons regarding how we allow ourselves to be thrown off center and the specific shifts we can make to re-center on our spinning wheel of life:

1. Challenges are simply lessons written in boldly colored markers.
"They" say, “perception is everything!” and "they" are right! What we call “our reality” is really our perception of reality. We will never know every factor that contributes to each situation we face.

I had a limited and unhelpful view of my clay fiasco. I viewed the clay as a challenge I needed to defeat when it was really an opportunity to learn and understand pottery (and myself).

Lesson from the wheel: Challenges are meant to catch our attention and offer us the gift of wisdom. Michael Beckwith writes that once we perceive something as a challenge we should ask ourselves, “what gift of growth is this challenge offering me?” When the challenge is the enemy, our reaction is to defeat it. When it is a gift, our reaction is to accept and learn from it. Mentally transform challenges into gifts and look for their lessons.

2. Anger creates agitation. Compassion creates calm.
My classmate's words seemed to infiltrate and assault my mind. Still, my desire to mount an all-out counter assault on a ball of clay, rendering my neighbor a casualty of war with my flying clay balls, had nothing to do with the clay, my wheel, or even my teeth-gritting classmate.

Lesson from the wheel: I could not see it but my anger was self-directed. I was angry, discouraged, and disappointed that I lost an ability I once effortlessly possessed. I needed self-compassion to create calm, centering hands; Yet, through my anger I created agitated “clay-ball-flinging” hands.

When we realize that the source of our anger is always deeper than we think, we can become aware of what really triggers our frustrations. Determine the internal condition necessary (e.g. calm) to create the external condition you seek (e.g. centered clay); and make it happen!

3. You cannot always control what is put on your plate, but you can control what you swallow.
I allowed the instructor’s comment, “centering is often the most difficult skill to learn” to re-define my truth. Initially, I was a Centering Queen, but once those words were put before me I popped them in my mouth, and took a big gulp. When we swallow negative messages they become a part of our system:

“you are not very good at this” *gulp*
“you are not worthy of that” *gulp*
“you are not pretty enough” *gulp*
“you are not smart enough” *gulp*
...the lists go on and on.

Lesson from the wheel: Recognize messages from others and ask, “does this resonate with my personal truth?” If it doesn’t, politely push the plate (or belief) away. Say,

“I rebuke that."
"I am not allowing that into my system."
"Please take that plate back to the kitchen.”

Do not allow things to become a part of you that are not for you. If this does happen become aware and consider regurgitating them :-) Caveat: Take care that you are not rejecting truth simply because the information is difficult to hear (e.g. compliments, helpful critical feedback).

4. Change your words and change your mind:
Assault
Casualty
Enemy
Infiltrated
Strong
War

These are all words I have used throughout this post. IT'S A BALL OF CLAY and I’m treating it like it’s an enemy in a bush waiting to kill me!

When emotionally triggered, we tend to use life-threatening language to describe ego-threatening situations. Millions of years ago our reptilian, fight-or-flight brain developed to release stress hormones to help us escape from lions. When activated today, this brain does not differentiate between literal life threats—“this lion is gonna eat me!” and word-enhanced, ego threats—“my co-worker's ideas are better...she's gonna destroy me!” In either case, our words trigger the release of stress hormones which harm our brains and bodies when released chronically.

Lesson from the wheel: When we use literal language, “my co-worker's gonna destroy me!” becomes, “I'm worried her good ideas may undermine my position”; validating our job position is less stressful than defending ourselves against someone attempting to “destroy” us. When using words that literally describe what your ego fears or what is actually happening, you enter problem-solving mode vs life-saving mode; fewer hormones flood your system; and you remain centered longer.

Find your lessons:
1. What is a challenge you are facing? Can you glean at least one gift of growth from it?
2. Remember the last time you felt angry? Recall your thoughts, feelings and sensations and ask, "when was this anger born?" Allow your mind to float back to an earlier time. This is insight into why the current incident triggers you.
3. What unhelpful or outdated beliefs about yourself have you swallowed over the years (e.g. I am powerless)? How do they serve you now (they must or you would've let them go). What personal truth would you rather carry?
4. Start monitoring your language. Do you use life-threatening language to describe ego-threatening situations? Notice how you feel when you shift your words.

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Unleashing Creative Flow: Nurturing Your Mind, Body, & Spirit

11/30/2015

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Earlier this month, I was honored to write a guest blog post for Fiction University with Janice Hardy. Janice is the author of four fiction novels and one non-fiction novel entitled, Planning Your Novel: Ideas and Structure. Janice's online university is the go-to blog for everything you want to know about writing. I was so excited when she offered me a "guest lecturer" opportunity.

My intention for this post was to craft a piece that joined my love for creating and my awareness of the importance of self-compassion and self-care. Though this post was written for a blog frequented by writers, it applies to anyone who serves others with passion and purpose.

Take a moment to read my guest post, Unleashing Creative Flow: Nurturing Your Mind, Body, & Spirit. Please don't forget to comment. You know I'd love to hear from you!

NAMASTE!!!

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Who's Driving You? 3 Powerful Lessons on Success, Surrender & Self-Awareness

10/17/2015

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Forgotten Self-False Self

Inspired art transforms the artist. ~Lynyetta G. Willis, PhD

After writing, My Forgotten Self, I thought it was my job to mold the text into what it needed to be; however, over time I realized that I was being molded as I gained a deeper awareness of--

my forgotten Self--the spiritual part of me that is who I was created to be; the carrier of my divine DNA.

And

my false self or ego--those well-intentioned parts of me that seek to protect and promote who I think I am.

My initial reaction to this awareness was to eject my false self from my car of consciousness. It always seemed determined to bring it's friends: fear, anger, regret, and self-consciousness along for the ride. However, I've learned that my attempts to eject my false self only created more problems and exhaustion (think Hercules chopping a head off of the hydra beast only to realize that 2 more heads emerged in its place...ugh).

Over time, I realized that my false and forgotten selves can co-exist within my car of consciousness. The remedy did not require that I waste energy ejecting (or head slicing); but that I become more aware of which self--false or forgotten--is driving. I now know that my false self is not bad, it's short-sighted or often afraid.

When we recognize that our false self is driving, 3 key lessons can aid us in surrendering the wheel (or our will) to our forgotten self. For most of us, this surrendering process feels continuous but when it occurs, our potential destinations are limitless.

False Self Joy Ride

Last month, while taking part in the Decatur Book Festival, my dear friend and volunteer, Nicole, laughed when I told her I only brought 100 copies of my new children’s book, My Forgotten Self, to sell--

Nicole: Yeeeeah, that’s not enough. You’re gonna to sell out.
Me: Yeah right, there are so many children’s vendors here. I‘ll be lucky if I sell 50 copies.

Ultimately, Nicole was right! I sold out, and had to take pre-orders from additional customers who read the demo copy. I was astonished! I became so full watching parents and children marvel over the illustrations, develop an emotional connection to Tiev’s tale and express a deep resonance with the books message. I received so many leads about churches, schools and organizations that would love and needed this book. I felt honored to listen to stories from those who felt like Tiev at some point in their lives. The lines forming at my booth of children and parents awaiting their first read or purchase of my book excited me!

During the festival, I floated on a cloud. Sadly, when I arrived home, my cloud dissolved as I was hit with a harsh realization:

I didn’t get any customer email addresses for follow-up. That was my tribe, my audience and I let them walk away! WHY didn’t I think of this?!?

I spent the next three weeks frustrated with myself. Nothing soothed me, not the “Thank you for sharing your book with the world!” Facebook posts; the email from a mother asking permission to paint a quote from the book on her daughter’s wall; the psychologist who purchased a copy and asked to receive it as soon as possible for her client. While these moments satisfied me briefly, the memory of “the royal screw up” smothered my joy with frustration.

My thoughts--How could you forget?!–made it difficult to rest in the awesomeness of what was happening:

A book was born through me and enjoyed by so many. People understood its message and integrated it into the lives of their most valuable treasures—their children.

Who's in the Driver's Seat?

I recently came across an article by spiritual teacher, Dr. Wayne Dyer who transitioned last month. The article is about living ones purpose:

"…if you’re motivated to be of service to others while being authentically detached from the outcome, you’ll feel on purpose, regardless of how much abundance flows back to you. Allow yourself to be in the feeling place within you that’s unconcerned with such things as vocational choices or doing the things you were destined to do." ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

When My Forgotten Self was divinely gifted to me I thought,

“I am going to publish this book, not for glory but because this is my role in the life of this tale. Whether it is enjoyed by one reader or a million is not my concern. Thy (God’s) will be done.”

After the Decatur Book Festival, my false self, hopped into the driver’s seat. My thoughts transformed from,

“thy will” into “my will...my customers...my audience...my tribe…”

Fear, frustration, regret and desire propelled my actions; my peace and joy became aligned with my false self’s short-sighted view of success. As Dr. Dyer cautions against, I became attached to the outcome of this journey. I now remember, this is God’s book and God decides what it should accomplish. I can now chuckle at the irony that as a writer of a book about our inherent self-worth, I began to tightly coil my self-worth and success around the momentum of that very book!

True Self Takes the Wheel with 3 Powerful Lessons

Once I realized that my false self was driving, through meditation, I sat still and requested guidance on how to realign with qualities of my true forgotten self—courage, curiosity, clarity, creativity. I was guided back to My Forgotten Self (the book :-) ) and 3 important lessons:

1. Tiev learns that she possesses within her, a divine source of power and
     guidance.
Within you rests a spiritual GPS guided by spirit. Set your intentions, remember that all is in perfect divine order and follow your spiritual guide.

2. Tiev learns that she is treasured and loved by Love Itself.
No ego-driven measure of success like book sales make you worthy; you are already there. Your worth is not a product of what you produce; it is a product of your divine DNA. You exist because you are enough. You are enough because you exist!

3. Tiev becomes discouraged by the limiting beliefs of those around her.
Your visions have limits, your soul does not. Sometimes, we become anxious, afraid and discouraged by mistaking our limited view of reality for all that is and all that we are equipped to handle. Remember, as far as you (or others) can see does not mark the end of the road.

I Remember...

My Forgotten Self is a divinely inspired work. Though I am committed to its journey, it is God’s creation and I surrender it to God. If it’s a NY Times bestseller—great! If not, that’s okay also. I release all outcome expectations, commit to following my spiritual GPS and enjoying the ride. When I become anxious, I will remember—Thy Will Be Done. And so it is.

How About You?

1. To what measure of success is your self-worth bound—children, career, relationships?
2. What outcome expectations can you release?
3. What fears, doubts, or limiting beliefs hold you back?
4. What stories of disappointment and regret block you from viewing your blessings?
5. Do you know that you are worthy? Treasured? Loved? Enough? (because you are ;-) )
6. What is your “I remember” statement?

Comment below! I'd love to hear from you. :-D

Namaste!

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Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved

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My Transformation: From Dishrag to Oprah to Treasure

9/4/2015

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The publication of My Forgotten Self has been quite a journey-- so many ups, downs, and unexpected turns. This weekend I am hosting a pre-launch book event at the Decatur Book Festival where I will sell (and give away) advance copies of the book (and other goodies)! I am extremely excited about this opportunity and to be honest, I'm also tired. I had no idea how looooong this road was going to be and what publication would require of me. However, as I take a moment to glance in my rear-view mirror I feel my fatigue giving way to awe.

I can see the ways in which Tiev's tale in My Forgotten Self mirrors the spiritual journey of so many of us:

-Tiev begins her journey struggling against the false messages of those around her.
-I began this divinely inspired journey struggling against the false message of myself as a dirty dishrag.

-After many amazing events, Tiev's tale concludes with her casting aside the false beliefs and limitations placed upon her. She goes forth carrying deep truths about herself as an invaluable spiritual being.
-After a profound publication journey, I sit here KNOWING that I am... we ALL are far from dishrags. I sit here KNOWING that we are valuable treasures.

For me, this journey has been about more than the publication of a book. I can see the ways in which Tiev's tale mirrors the spiritual journey of so many of us. As with Tiev, this journey has transformed my relationship with myself, with those around me and with God. To honor this rear-view moment, I will reflect on how this spiritual transformation began.

This month marks my one year blogiversary (YAY!). Last year when I began this blog I started with four posts describing how Tiev's tale in My Forgotten Self was gifted to me in the most unexpected way. Months later, I wrote a post about my inspirational visit with Oprah (who hasn't she inspired :-) ). I have compiled all of them here. Take a glance at the beginning of each post and if you feel led, click on the title to read the entire piece.

Have you experienced a spiritual transformation? Did your view of God, others, or yourself shift as a result? If so, how so? Comment below!

A Dirty Dishrag Like Me

“Relative to God, we are like dirty dishrags!” The words from the Baptist pastor hit my ears like the shattering of fine crystal, and were followed by words like, “unworthy,” “less than,” and “dark.” Leaving the sanctuary, instead of floating out with a renewed sense of faith and passion, I was dragging under the heavy weight of difficult emotions; outrage, confusion and even shame, simmering within me.

When God Smiles

“Mommy, can you read me this story?” My toddler asked as he dragged his new book across the room.

“Sure!” I exclaimed, hoisting him onto my lap.

As I read, I stopped and thought, “children’s books…humph…they are so complicatedly simple. I could NEVER write one of these!”

I know now that at that moment, God was smiling broadly. My ground was tilled and ready to receive another seed, and this seed would burst through into my very being.

Not of Me but Through Me

Broadway! Okay, not quite...
The group exercise was not over. The facilitators asked us to choose one story to turn into a play. Almost in unison, the entire group turned to me. I was honored but at the same time detached; my mind was still reeling in disbelief and doubt. We had one hour to put together a "play." We made props, designed scenes and chose music.
It was show time!

Divine Doors

They say God opens doors. Through those doors dwell persons and experiences that assist with our growth, progress, and recognition of our Spiritual selves. Words, actions, intentions and emotional energy play into and support this process. A process through which we are gifted with mighty tools, invaluable lessons, and loyal companions.

Paths to Purpose

“You are purposed to speak about spiritual concepts in a way that allows people to understand them on a deeper level… though you will ultimately reach this goal, your path will be longer because you are held back by your fears.”
This was shared with me by a stranger approximately eight years ago. Ironically, the very fears he named limited my ability to even consider the unfamiliar path of which he spoke.

Quick Note: This weekend I will be at the Decatur Book Festival in booth #609. I will be selling and giving away advance copies of My Forgotten Self! On Saturday @ 11 am in the Emerging Writers Tent I will give a brief talk about the book. I hope to see you there!

Namaste!

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Author Interview: Spiritual Insights & Parenting Wisdom in a Child's Tale

8/6/2015

I have been asked so many great questions about the book, My Forgotten Self especially as it relates to children, parenting and spirituality. I compiled the questions in this interview which is divided into three areas:

1. The book

2. Spiritual Insights

3. Parenting Wisdom

I use the word “parent” throughout the article. This is purely for efficiency. I am also writing to those who have an invaluable daily impact on children such as teachers, family friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings. Enjoy and let me know if you have more questions!

~THE BOOK~

What inspired you to write, My Forgotten Self?

My Forgotten Self is a divinely inspired book. I did not plan to write it, rather it flowed through me during a time when I began to view God, not just as an external source but as an internal, active, and guiding presence.

Looking back, I believe the story's seeds were planted in my childhood. Growing up, I was blessed; strong women and men surrounded me; however, I also struggled into early adulthood, with a deep sense of insecurity and inadequacy. I attempted to fill the gap with education, but the abyss remained. Eventually, I returned to my childhood faith and began reading, meditating and asking deep questions. Over time, I received what I felt were divinely inspired responses. The God that once sat on a cloud now felt a lot closer and kinder than I was raised to believe. The gap within me began to fill.

When my son was born, I felt a deep desire to expose him to the insight I’d developed but I did not know how, so I prayed. I believe, My Forgotten Self was an answer to that prayer.

How is My Forgotten Self different from other children's books?

There is a shortage of children’s books from which both parents and children can benefit. My Forgotten Self explores spiritual concepts such as self-worth, purpose, internal divine guidance, and unconditional love in a way that both parents and children can enjoy. While My Forgotten Self was not written to give definite answers to questions about deep spiritual concepts, it can provide a way for children and parents to creatively explore these ideas together.

There is also a shortage of children’s books containing culturally diverse imagery. In the real world, everyone is not the same color, age, or gender, and we all possess different strengths and abilities. In My Forgotten Self, a lot of care has been taken to reflect these differences throughout the illustrations drawn by Michele Phillips.

Your main character is named, Tiev (pronounced "Tea-ev"). What does this name mean?

I’m not sure it has a historical origin. However, the meaning of her name is central to the book’s overall message in that it communicates a key nugget of ancient wisdom regarding who we are as spiritual beings. The revelation regarding the meaning of her name also adds a fun twist!

Who do you hope to reach with this book?

As a mom witnessing the growth of two young children, ages 3 and 6, I have come to believe that we are all deeply creative and spiritual beings. Unfortunately, we often forget this divine heritage as we age.

As my children grow, I believe my purpose is to nurture and empower the spiritual essence that already exists within them. Based upon this belief, I want to reach parents who are open to exploring creative ways to enliven that essence. Though we often believe children are too young to understand spiritual concepts, I hope this book offers parents a new creative approach through which they can reconsider that belief. Additionally, I want to reach children, and the inner children of adults, whose unique thoughts and dreams may have been discouraged or minimized.

My prayer is that this book will enable children and adults to remember that they are powerful, spiritual beings whose ideas and passions can carry them farther than they ever believed. Remembering this, I hope they are inspired to continue to explore their dreams with a strong sense of excitement and purpose.

Why should parents want to buy My Forgotten Self and what age range of children would benefit most from it?

As a mom and spiritual seeker, I've had difficulties locating age appropriate literature to help me talk with my kids about spiritual concepts that I think are important. I have found that a majority of literature breaks down religious concepts for children, on the other hand, My Forgotten Self addresses concepts such as unconditional love, life’s purpose, and even difficult feelings like discouragement and hopelessness. Though everyone can benefit from the messages in this book, children ages 2-8 will delight in the illustrations and writing style.

When will My Forgotten Self be available for purchase?

I am hosting a pre-release event at the Decatur Book Festival in Decatur, Georgia over Labor Day weekend; September 4-6, 2015 (booth #609). I will talk briefly about the book on Saturday at 11 am in the Emerging Writers Tent. Also, I will have advance copies available for purchase. For those unable to make the festival, the book will be available for pre-order beginning on September 7. The book will be officially launched on February 6, 2016. I would be honored to sign the copies of everyone who pre-orders, just make a note or send an email when you place your order!

~SPIRITUAL INSIGHTS~

In your tagline, you state that the book has a "universal message." Does the message extend beyond parents and children?

It does! In My Forgotten Self, Tiev expresses her deepest dreams to her family. Though well-intentioned, her family shares their beliefs, fears and regrets with Tiev to protect her from making wrong decisions. As a result, Tiev becomes disheartened and in her sadness, a Being named, I Am, manifests within and around her. Through this encounter, Tiev finds wisdom, power and guidance. Similarly, who among us has not entertained messages of doubt and discouragement from people around us or from our own thoughts and internal voices?

I believe we have a presence within and around us that fills us with wisdom, power, and guidance; some refer to it as God, Spirit, Universe, intuition etc. The messages in My Forgotten Self, are universal in that they touch on everyone’s ability to access this source of love and power.

Talk more about the books relationship to religion. Many authors shy away from writing religious books for children out of fear of alienating particular audiences.

As a psychologist specializing in spiritual development, I believe My Forgotten Self contains themes found along most people’s spiritual development journey— love, connection, self-worth, healing, and purpose, for example, are also themes universal to most of the world’s religions. In addition to sharing a vivid story, parents can explore concepts that reach across religious boundaries.

~PARENTING WISDOM~

What can parents do to help them feel equipped to nurture and empower their children’s spiritual essence?

The biggest nugget of wisdom I can offer parents is: Caregiver, heal thyself!

In My Forgotten Self, Tiev feels discouraged after hearing her protective family members give doubt-filled reasons why she should not seek her dreams. As a psychologist, parents ask me to “fix” their children. Parents then feel confused when I ask about their core beliefs; how parenting was modeled for them growing up; or old wounds that were poked within them during difficult interactions with their children. They do not always understand how their doubts and fears impact their relationship with their children.

Parenting is not easy, but when we become aware of how our beliefs, assumptions and history impact our daily interactions with our children, we deliver more creative responses that are less reactive and more intentional. This is, in part, my reason for blogging so much about healing, self-awareness, and spiritual growth. By focusing on these three areas, instead of dominating relationships with the children in our lives, we can co-create a connection and even learn from them.

How can a parent’s healing of personal wounds and increasing self-awareness, help their children feel worthy and loved?

As parents, we want our children to feel valuable and unconditionally loved. Yet, based on past experiences and painful childhoods, many of us second guess our own worth and lovability. As a result--

We struggle to teach our children to live fully and authentically because we limit our dreams to the four walls of a tiny mental box.

We struggle to speak about self-compassion with mouths sore from self-inflicted emotional wounds.

We struggle to pass on our wisdom when we feel spiritually or emotionally blocked.

We struggle to model how to shoot for the stars when our eyes cannot see past the lids which fearfully cover them.

In short, as much as we may want to, it can be difficult to give what we do not feel we possess or believe.

If you could give one piece of advice to parents, what would it be?

This is my advice for parents:

The greatest gift we can give to our children is a clear and present head, heart and mind.

Trust me, I KNOW it's hard to turn off the mental to-do list, but try your best to be in the moment with your children. Focus on what they do and say; and focus on the emotions, thoughts and memories that come up for you in response. Do not judge or analyze yourself, this is just an opportunity to be curious and notice who you become, mentally and emotionally, when you are with them.

For the sake of all of our relationships, healing wounds and becoming consciously aware of how we view ourselves, others and the world will help us to reach clarity and be more present with those we love.

Namaste!

4-Step Guide to Setting Spiritually Aligned Boundaries

7/2/2015

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“Whatever! This is why I don’t trust people.”

“She did that on purpose and I don’t associate with manipulative people.”

“I want nothing to do with you and I’ll never forgive you!”

The above phrases, often yelled or whispered, are signs that we’ve erected defensive boundaries—the emotional, physical and mental barriers we erect to protect and remain safe; they often involve running from emotional pain, striking back, or ejecting people we dislike from our lives.

While the understandable erection of defensive boundaries briefly minimizes pain, we still find ourselves constantly thinking about the relationship; expending energy to avoid the person; or pretending we are not hurt.

To be clear, boundaries in relationships are important, yet, our intentions behind those boundaries determine their effectiveness. Instead of running away, striking back, or rejecting, we can choose to heal, learn and grow through enlightened boundaries— standards or limits set with the intention of increasing self-awareness, accepting ‘what is’ (not to be confused with agreement) and maintaining spiritual alignment. Enlightened boundaries may involve distancing similar to that we see with defensive boundaries; however, their impact on us is very different.

Self-Awareness, Acceptance, and Spiritual Growth

Many of us find that defensive boundary setting provides only temporary relief. Such boundaries rely upon avoiding pain to function. If everything concerning the pain-triggering person stays out of our awareness, we are fine. If, on the other hand, that person walks into a room or sends an email our defensive boundaries crumble like stale bread; anger and bitterness well up like wildfire as our pain points are triggered. Enlightened boundaries, are not about running away from pain; they are about running towards the freedom gained by becoming aware of and accepting realities within ourselves.

As we grow in our ability to accept and gain awareness of our thoughts, emotions and relationship needs, we increase our ability to remain aligned with our Divine Self. Eventually, we reach a place where we can non-judgmentally, maintain spiritual power and perspective while in the same room with those who may be less aware of theirs. For more guidance on maintaining spiritual power in hurtful relationships, read Three Questions to Keep Your Spiritual Streams Flowing in Hurtful Relationships.

Maintenance of enlightened boundaries creates the distance you need to increase self-awareness; allows you to discern your needs through non-judgment and acceptance; helps you to maintain your alignment with Spirit; and enhances your ability to sustain spiritual power regardless of who you are around.

1. Determine which relationships could benefit from an enlightened boundary.
Who do you become or how do you show up when you engage in this relationship?

Do you become angry? Do you shut down or minimize yourself?

Do you feel energetically drained or confused after interacting with this person?

2. Make enlightened boundary statements.
You must become aware of and accept your boundaries before you can teach others to honor them. The following statements can grant insight into your specific needs in relationships:

a) I am aware of and accept that for me to be able to fully receive AND fully give in a relationship, [respect] must be present.

b) I am aware of and accept that when I am in a relationship where [respect] is present:
[We wait for each other to finish speaking before we speak.]
[We speak with calm (vs raised) voices.]

c) I am aware of and accept that when I engage in relationships where [respect] is absent I do not function well. I become [bitter, cynical and tense].

d) I am aware of and accept that I have limits in terms of what I will give and what I will accept in relationships that lack [respect].

e) My limits are: [yelling] is not okay and when you [yell], I will leave the room to honor my boundary and allow myself to keep true to my standards (e.g. not yell back).

Complete these statements for each quality (e.g. trust, compassion) you need to be present in your healthy relationships. Fill the [ ] with your own thoughts and feelings.

3. Express and Reclaim.
When we feel hurt, our anger or outrage can ineffectively explode onto those who trigger our pain. However, ignoring the anger may only make it worse. Before engaging the person to express your boundary, write or talk about the anger with a friend. Then reclaim the energy through meditation, going for a walk in nature, writing in a gratefulness journal, and calmly practicing your statements.

4. Reflect and check.
Appropriate boundaries create integrity (Jewish Proverb). When we are operating from defensive boundaries, we often find ourselves saying and doing things that go against our personal truth and standards. As you enforce enlightened boundaries, reflect on your conversation and check your motivations. If you answer, yes, to either question below, you likely slipped into defensive boundary mode:

Were my words motivated by anger or fear?
Did I violate my own standards during this communication?

When you become more self-aware, enlightened boundaries increase your connection to Divine Self by enhancing your integrity; they do not compromise or diminish it.

Set Your Enlightened Boundaries

Self-Compassion Required

We are not perfect. Learning to operate from an enlightened boundary paradigm, can take time. When you find yourself reacting versus responding or not adhering to your own standards, practice self-compassion and ask:

What gift of self-awareness is my reaction carrying?
What pain point from my past is being triggered?
What do I need to heal?

Points to Remember

Set specific limits to increase the likelihood those limits will be honored. There is a difference between “respect me” (vague) and “do not yell at me” (specific).

Stay on topic by communicating your limits in a smooth tone without over-explaining and defensive speech. A clear and specific boundary can be communicated in 1-2 sentences.
If a boundary is crossed, use the broken record technique, restate your phrases calmly until you are heard or need to enact a consequence (e.g. I will leave the room).

The best way to communicate a boundary is to model it and follow it. If you set a boundary against name calling, do not name call. When you give a consequence, follow through.

You should not remain in hurtful circumstances. It’s perfectly okay and strongly suggested that you set boundaries. According to Brené Brown, “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” You can set limits and respect someone as a divine creation.

How do you set and maintain boundaries in your relationships? I’d love to hear from you! Comment below!

Namaste!

Don’t forget to subscribe to this blog. Also, check out my Facebook page and "Like" it to receive helpful insights and updates!

Want to learn more about the power of self-awareness in the healing process? Read Lessons from the Ashes, Part 1: Self-Awareness

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3 Key Questions to Keep Your Spiritual Streams Flowing through Hurtful Relationships

6/1/2015

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Many of us (myself included), resort to closing or hardening our hearts in response to hurtful relationships. However, I've come to realize that when you seal a doo with rock-hard cement, nothing gets out or in; we may lock out new pain (YAY), but we also limit the love, compassion, and wisdom granted and desired by others in our lives. Additionally, we’re often locked in with our pain; wrestling with it and ruminating on it day and night.

The good news is that there is a middle ground between being powerlessly open and powerfully hardened. We can make choices that will allow us to guard our heart while keeping it open to life-giving people and experiences. We cannot avoid all forms of relational pain but we can impact our reactions to it. If we re-focus the energy spent on maintaining a hard-heart-shell we can use it to access our "Big S, Self-led" resources (the guidance and wisdom that emerges when we align with Spirit within).

Middle Ground

So many of us strive to connect with our "Big-S, Self"-- that divine source of wisdom, compassion and peace that can flow through us all; nonetheless, dynamics within our relationships sometimes seem to block our access to that internal spiritual stream:

I want to forgive but they consistently reject me and don’t respect me at all.

I need to let go but I’ve been hurt more times than I can count. I never feel good enough.

I should love but after each interaction I end up feeling burdened and worse.

I need to heal but they continue to mentally, physically and emotionally abuse me.**

Our ability to forgive, let go, love and heal seems non-existent; instead of being filled with peace, compassion, love and gratefulness we feel full of resentment, bitterness, and anger.

Guarding vs. Hardening Your Springs

In the bible it is written, “above all else, guard your heart, because from it flows the springs of life” (Proverb 4:23, ISV). Not only are we advised to guard our hearts, but we're also told why-- We are not told to guard our hearts because of what may come into them (e.g. the big bad scary world) but because of what comes out of them— “the springs of life”— God’s presence in us, flowing out of us and into the world as pure life and love.

There are key differences between guarding and hardening in relationships. Guarding is energized by discernment. Guarding focuses our ability to sustain Self-led qualities regardless of any decision or change the other person makes. Hardening is energized by judgement. Conversely, it requires the “bad” qualities of the other person to go away before we can open our heart again.

Guarding is "Big S, Self-focused" while hardening is other-focused. Guarding does not require the other person to change to make you feel better, instead, it allows you to use the dynamics of that relationship to learn more about your Self and form a stronger alignment with your Spirit.

Hardening: “I want nothing to do with you because you are an awful person.”
Vs.
Guarding: “I am learning that when we are together I am not my best self.”

Hardening: “If you would just change, our relationship would be perfect.”
Vs.
Guarding: “I recognize my power to align with Spirit and make choices that give me life independent your actions.”

3 Questions to Clear Your Springs

When your heart begins to harden towards a relationship, it may help to ask the following insightful questions:

1. When I am interacting with this person, what is it about me and the dynamics of this relationship that limit my ability to maintain "Big-S," Self-led qualities?**

We often begin with the question, “what is wrong with [insert name]?!?!" However, we do not possess the power, insight or access to fully understand another person’s internal struggles; the best we can do is create stories fueled by our judgments and frustrations. If we alternatively focus on our reactions to another person's behavior, we gain helpful insight and wisdom into how we can use our spiritual power to improve our mental and physical circumstances.

2. What valuable lesson is this relationship teaching me?**

Every experience we have encourages our soul’s growth and development towards love; this includes hurtful relationships (relationships are actually our souls primary teachers…but that’s another post for another time :-) ).

3. What hurtful memories are being triggered by this experience? What do I need to heal?

Our souls have access to the divine resources necessary to handle anything that comes our way in this life; still, to know which resources to draw upon, it helps to understand how the situation impacts us. Awareness of our emotions in the moment, grants us access to triggered past wounds and provides guidance on focusing our healing energy.

Maintaining Clean Springs

We harden our hearts to avoid pain in relationships, causing us to miss out on the many benefits that life-giving relationships may provide. When we harden or firmly cover our hearts out of fear or resentment, we prevent “springs of life,” love and peace from freely flowing (in or out); guarding our hearts, on the other hand, assists us in keeping those springs “clean” and free of emotional debris that may leave us feeling unfulfilled and distanced from those we love and our internal source of divine power.

**Very Important Note**

With ALL of that said, I want to be clear, there are relationships where abuse is a factor. In these cases, safety is paramount. We can let go of judgment, learn valuable soul lessons, heal wounds and aspire to live a "Big-S, Self-led" life while still maintaining a safe distance from an abusive situation. Read about the benefits of identifying life-giving relationships and developing enlightened boundaries for those that seem to drain our energy.

Are you in a relationship that leaves your heart feeling hardened?

What is one judgement you hold about this person?

How can you transform this Hardening, other-focused judgement into a Guarding, "Big-S,Self-focused," statement that focuses your ability to align with Spirit and make Self-led decisions (hint: the statement will focus on the only thing you can control...yourself!)?

Can you think of other questions, beliefs or opinions that keep your spiritual streams flowing in hurtful circumstances?

Comment below! I'd love to hear from you!

Namaste!

Want to learn more about becoming "Big-S, Self-led"?
Read Strive To Be Self-Centered: 4 Tools For Internal Peace.

Don’t forget to subscribe to this blog. Also, check out my Facebook page and "Like" it to receive helpful insights and updates!

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Stable Misery: 5 Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck and How to Break Free

5/3/2015

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In one or more areas of your life:

Are you functioning but lack fulfillment?

Are you functioning but find your day-to-day commitments are not feeding your soul?

Are you functioning but consistently stressed and depressed, seldom your best?

Balancing Functioning and Fatigue

Over the years, as a psychologist, I have worked with hundreds of people who felt generally stuck; they lacked fulfillment, clarity, or the momentum necessary to make changes they desperately desired. They functioned day-to-day but lived with a deep sense of emptiness and longed for something greater. Over the years, I began using a phrase to describe this state to people with whom I worked:

Stable Misery—

A balance between basic functioning and spiritual, mental, emotional, and/or physical fatigue.

We experience misery, when our activities, relationships or thoughts are out of alignment with our higher selves and drain us of our precious energy. We are able to remain stable (i.e. function) by plugging holes and stopping the energy drains. More specifically, we slowly, subtly (and often outside of our awareness) facilitate avoidance or numbing of our miserable state with things like food, sex, drugs, work, or reality tv shows.

5 Maintainers of Misery

1. "One bad choice always leads to another."

After witnessing many of my clients in stable misery, I began to notice that this stuck-ness was often maintained by 5 beliefs.

We sometimes develop a belief that a change will cause a horrible end to our life as we know it. This fear can paralyze us.

Take a moment to ask yourself:

What is the absolute worst thing that can happen if I make this change?

On a scale from 1-10, what is the likelihood that this “worst thing” will actually happen?

Can I do things beforehand to protect myself from this or other potentially unwanted consequences?

Lastly, share your concerns with someone you trust. Having someone mirror our fears back to us can illuminate their improbability or help us find ways to minimize the feared outcome.

2. "Change is baaaad!"

In truth, choices bring us closer to what we really want. Whenever we realize that we’ve made an unhelpful decision, we've just learned something. Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed, I just found 10,000 ways that won't work." By gaining a clearer sense of what doesn't work, we narrow our options and clarify what will.

In addition, we often view change in terms of all-the-way or no way. Instead, start with a small step towards a potential change to determine if it’s really for you. For example, if you want to leave your job and start a bakery business, begin by researching and making a list of requirements (e.g. financial, time). Wake up early, bake for your co-workers and ask for feedback.

3. "I'm not good enough. I don't deserve better."

Sometimes we remain in stable misery because we believe we deserve what we are experiencing. We don't think we deserve fulfillment, joy or success. However, your restlessness or lack of fulfillment may be “nudgings” from that part of you that knows you are worthy and deserving of fulfillment. We all possess different gifts and purposes; you may be unfulfilled because you are out of alignment with your soul’s purpose.

4. "If I can't do it perfectly, it's not worth doing at all."

Sometimes we believe that attempts to free ourselves from stable misery will be ridiculed and minimized. We fear that we will FAIL, letting ourselves and everyone else down; as a result we work to make a perfect plan prior to acting on any plan. The truth is that failure is a matter of perspective. There are lessons to be learned from each and every experience we have. Instead of waiting for the “perfect” conditions to arise, tell yourself:

I am the perfect person to be in this perfect place at this perfect time for a perfect purpose.

I am open to learning a perfect lesson in this perfect moment.

Approach your experiences, with curiosity, openness and self-compassion and watch “failures” transform into lessons and opportunities.

5. "This devil is better than the one I don't know."

I have had many clients tell me “Doc, I stay in this [relationship/situation/job etc] because it’s better to be with the devil you know than the one you don’t.” They remain in stable misery because they fear the unknown, believing a certain miserable state is better than an uncertain future. If this fear holds you back, ask yourself, “what is my end game?” If it is to live life suffering and unfulfilled, then PERFECT! You’re in the right place. If, however, you desire a sense of fulfillment and alignment, you should reconsider your approach.

No version of our potential future is certain but our current circumstances can be a good predictor. If you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unfulfilled today, and do nothing to change that, you will likely feel that way tomorrow. Consider your end game and choose to make small shifts to bring you closer to your desired outcome, purpose or vision.

Keep Your Eyes on the Sea

We were all created for a purpose and are not meant to live spiritually, emotionally, or mentally miserable lives. We cannot always choose our circumstances but we can choose to improve them by shifting our perspective, learning from our choices, considering our end game, sharing our concerns with friends and considering that our restlessness may have an invaluable message for us.

Stable misery tricks us into believing that the puddle is as fulfilling as the sea. We no longer strive for the sea and sometimes forget it even exists. By seeking freedom from stable misery, we can once again see our lives as the seas of possibilities they are!

What other beliefs can hold us in stable misery?

Have you ever been in stable misery? How did you cope?

Are you in stable misery in one or more areas of your life? What is one small change you can make today to advance towards your sea of possibilities?

Comment below, I'd love to hear from you!

Namaste!

Don’t forget to subscribe to this blog. Also, check out my Facebook page and "Like" it to receive helpful insights and updates!

Copyright © My Forgotten Self Blog, 2014-2016. All rights reserved

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Stable Misery: 5 Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck and How to Break Free

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